


Occupational Hazards

by mirothecat



Series: Hazards 'Verse [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-05-25 08:09:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 40,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14972840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirothecat/pseuds/mirothecat
Summary: Leave it to Tony Stark to get lost, find a supervillain, and insist on keeping him. Loki is a bad influence and Bruce concludes he is the only adult present. Adventures, misadventures, and FrostIron





	1. Chapter 1

You should try hiking, Steve had said. Getting out in nature will be good for you, Steve had said. As if city boy even knew what nature was; he was probably parroting one of those obnoxious SHIELD shrinks. In any case, Tony was going to strangle the fucker if he ever saw him again. Right after he finished building himself a completely waterproof cellphone, that was.

Okay, so falling in the lake had been his own stupid fault for leaning too far off the rocks. He'd admit that, being as there were no witnesses and the only person to admit it to was himself. He could handle his clothes and the contents of his backpack being a bit wet. He'd dry off pretty well in the sun by the time he got back to the car. The downpour that started just as he'd finished wringing out his shirt though...that was just not _fair_.

The hike back to his car was taking far longer than it had on the way out. Tony wanted to say it was just his imagination, but he knew it wasn't. The trail was slippery and the footing hard to see with the angry storm clouds blotting out the sun, making it impossible to move very quickly. Tony cursed himself for not listening when JARVIS tried to tell him the weather forecast as he slipped and slid along, drenched and cold.

The sound of the river, barely audible over the pounding of the rain, was music to Tony's ears. The trailhead and his car with its heater was just a few minutes walk beyond the crossing. Just a few more minutes of this and then he could go home and be warm and never go out in nature again.

Oh. Oh _shit_. Change of plans, he _wasn't_ going to be going home soon. Not until he found another way across the river. The shallows where the trail crossed the river were...not shallow anymore. In fact, they appeared quite deep. And fast. Dangerously so. The river was much too swollen by the rain for him to dare try wading across it. Tony cursed Murphy's Law and set off bushwhacking along the bank in search of a way across or even just someplace to get out of the rain and wait it out.

There was a cave of sorts formed of leaning boulders a ways uphill. Glancing at the still-rising river, Tony decided that looked like the place to be.

Just as he started for the cave, something caught his eye. There was a human figure several yards off in the trees, awkwardly sprawled in the mud. He started in its direction. Whoever it was probably needed help if they were so close to shelter but not availing themself of it, and self-centered though he was, he wasn't going to leave them there. Being an Avenger must have been rubbing off on him.

A flash of lightning illuminated Loki. Wait. _Loki_? What was Loki doing sprawled in the mud in a downpour on Earth? Tony grabbed for his phone to contact S.H.I.E.L.D. or Thor or _somebody_. He certainly wasn't going to try and apprehend a super villain alone without his suit.

His phone was unresponsive. Not even a flicker of life. He should have seen that one coming, really, considering how wet everything was. But more importantly, he was stranded in the woods in the rain next to a river about to spill over its banks with Loki and had no way of calling for help or even telling anybody where he was.

This had to be a trap. There was no other explanation for it. Nobody, not even a crazy super villain and demigod, would sit there in these conditions by choice unless they were trying to lure somebody to come help them so they could attack.

...By choice. But what if it wasn't by choice? Tony edged closer despite himself. What if something really was wrong? They were well away from the trail and Loki wasn't making any effort to attract attention. Hardly what he'd expect of someone trying to lure a victim over to him. He continued his tentative approach, heart pounding.

Now he could see the reason for the god's undignified sprawl. He seemed to have fallen, his foot wedged in the fork of a log and leg twisted such that freeing himself would be difficult or impossible from his position. Tony looked back at the river, noticing with alarm that it had started to flood. He _really_ hoped this wasn't a trap.

A hand on his shoulder brought Loki back to his senses, and he looked dully up at Tony with red-rimmed eyes. Brilliant. An Avenger. He didn't even care. They'd probably take advantage of his trapped state to finish him off. Whatever. He closed his eyes again.

"Hey, don't do that." The hand slid over to the side of his neck now, but it wasn't choking him, just feeling his pulse. "I need you to stay awake for me. I'm gonna get you out of this. You're gonna be okay. Eyes on me." Loki obeyed, not quite sure why, watching woozily as Tony moved down to examine the wood trapping his foot.

Okay, not a trap then. Unless of course someone _else_ had set it, but Tony tried not to think about that possibility. Loki was definitely not a hologram, definitely in shock, well and truly stuck in that log, looked like he'd been crying, and it didn't take a doctor to see that his ankle was broken. And the rain hadn't let up, so the river was still rising, inching closer to them. Tony got to work freeing him.

"C'mon, up you get." Tony's doubts about helping his enemy were dulled by the water starting to lap at his boots as he hauled Loki to his feet. "There we go. Lean on me. Don't even try to put weight on that leg, I don't know if I can carry you if you pass out." Not that he was very far from carrying him right now, but every little bit helped.

Loki whined in pain, fresh tears spilling despite himself, as he was lowered to the floor of the cave. The mortal was being gentle, but there was nothing he could do about the stab of pain of his foot touching the floor, and Loki was too dazed for dignity. Which wasn't to say that he didn't struggle when the mortal started undressing him, but the tense "Stop it, I'm saving your life you ungrateful bastard. You're in shock and wet clothes will only make it worse." was enough that he did indeed stop fighting it.

There were an "emergency camping blanket" and a first aid kit in the bottom of his backpack. Tony thanked the powers that be for JARVIS and the robots not trusting him to pack for himself. They were even still sealed in their original packaging. Original _waterproof_ packaging. Tony looked longingly at the (larger than ought to fit in that package, but still rather small) blanket, but then threw it over Loki and commenced feeling around in the dark for any wood he could burn. Or use for a splint. Both were important, if he was remembering correctly that lecture on first aid that Fury had made them sit through.

Fury. Oh shit, The others would have a field day with this. Not that Tony felt like he had any choice. He couldn't have sat in his elevated sort-of-dry cave and watched the flood water rise around a trapped injured person even if it _was_ Loki. Nor was he going to not at least _try_ to perform first aid. He wasn't a monster.

Loki gingerly pushed himself up, trying to make sense of his surroundings. He was lying on a dirt floor, naked but for his underwear and wrapped in a light blanket. There was a small fire burning a few feet away, his clothes spread out next to it. His ankle was crudely splinted and in considerable pain. Oh. That was right. He vaguely remembered Stark trying to bandage it. Evidently he'd passed out during the process. And speaking of the man, there he was, ducking back inside out of the rain with an armload of wood to dry by the fire.

"Well look who's awake. How're you feeling, sleeping beauty?"

"A little woozy still." He shifted, wincing at the movement, to lean on the cave wall. "I'm surprised you didn't take the opportunity to finish me off."

"I don't like killing if I can help it. I'm surprised you didn't magic yourself out of that little mess."

"My magic got drained. Why haven't you just called your little buddies to bail you out and capture me?"

Tony smirked a little. "What, Chitauri angry with you? And my phone is dead."

Loki glared, but it wasn't exactly threatening when Tony knew he was magicless, dizzy, and couldn't put weight on one leg. "Their master is a little irritated that their hold over me was broken. Though that's really the doing of your troop of goons."

Tony did a double take. He'd thought he was imagining it earlier, but there _was_ something a little different about the god's eyes. "They mind controlled you like you did Hawkeye and Selvig."

"Something similar though with not quite the same results." He admitted. "It is harder to control me so I was not as mindless as the mortals, but any inhibitions that would have interfered with their plans were silenced."

They surveyed one another warily from across the fire. "Well this is an improvement over our last meeting, even if we _are_ stuck here."

Loki looked out at the floodwaters. "I must thank you for saving me. I would not like to still be trapped out there."

"You're awfully polite for a super villain."

"I'm a _prince_. I was raised at court. Of course I know manners. And I thought we established that I was mind controlled when I did those villainous deeds."

"Oh I'm sorry, does being called a super villain offend you your princeliness?"

"...the correct term is Highness." Loki shot him a look like he wasn't sure if he was trying to be annoying or was just uneducated. Tony decided this was fun.

"Oh, that's the new politically correct term? My bad. I'm old fashioned. I don't keep up with these things. A villain is a villain."

"Now I _know_ you're just trying to get on my nerves."

Tony grinned. "Bite me."

"You wish."


	2. Chapter 2

When he wasn't mind controlled into leading an alien army, Loki was... not so bad. Intelligent, cultured, and yet still able to keep up and roll with his cruder quips. Tony's kind of guy. God. Whatever. He wanted to see what the god was like when he wasn't debilitated by pain and shock. If he was being completely honest with himself, he wanted to see him period, in the most literal sense. He, well, had the body of a god. Tony was enjoying the eye candy provided by Loki's current shortage of clothing enough to keep conveniently forgetting to check if his clothes were dry.

So what next? Tony moved to the sunbeams at the cave's mouth, hoping the distance would be enough to avoid waking the still-sleeping god with his coughs. The rain had stopped during the night and the water level was dropping, so soon they'd be able to leave. And just in time, too, as they had run out of granola bars.

He knew he ought to deliver Loki to S.H.I.E.L.D. as soon as they got out of these damned woods, or even abandon him there and call from his car for a team to go retrieve him, but he didn't want to. He wasn't good at following rules or protocol, and Loki hadn't done anything this time that he knew of. Nobody had seen him since his return to Asgard, and in Tony's opinion not trusting someone wasn't good enough reason to manhandle someone as S.H.I.E.L.D. was likely to do. No, it was settled. Loki was coming home with him. He'd have medical attention and privacy, and they'd figure out what happened next when they got to that point.

"Hang in there." Stark eased him into the car, and Loki leaned his head back against the seat, fighting the still-present dizziness. "We'll have a doctor waiting back at my place to get you properly fixed up." He slid into his own seat and started the car. "Call the big guy."

"Calling Doctor Bruce Banner, affirmative."

He picked up on the first ring. "Tony! Where have you been? I was about to tell the others you'd gone missing!"

"Glad you didn't. I'll give you the story later. Do you suppose you can handle seeing Loki without the other guy making an appearance?"

"...wouldn't you _want_ the other guy to show up if he's back?"

In the passenger seat, Loki was looking nervous. Tony shot him a reassuring smile. "No, the aliens were mind controlling him. You undid it, or the other guy did, cognitive recalibration, remember? Anyway, he needs medical attention and I'm bringing him home because I'm afraid that anywhere else won't be safe for him after everything and I know you won't hold destructive temporary insanity against him. 'Cause, y'know, that'd be kinda hypocritical..."

"Shut up Tony." Bruce warned him, "You don't want to tick me off."

"Right. And could you _not_ tell anybody he's here, especially not anyone associated with S.H.I.E.L.D.? Like I said, not safe. And have JARVIS air out a guest room."

They could practically _hear_ the doctor roll his eyes. "Sometimes I think Calcutta was safer than living with you. But I suppose we could hold down the fort between us if necessary. How bad's he?"

"Broken ankle, shock, been in and out of consciousness a couple times, I don't know what else. Hey Loki, got any more injuries I don't know about?"

"Dunno." The car ride didn't seem to be sitting well with him, voice tight and pain clear on his face as every tiny vibration of the car sent shockwaves through his leg.

The pain evident in the trickster's voice softened Bruce. "I'll go help JARVIS get that guest room ready. Try to keep him conscious."

Rarely did Bruce feel a conflict between the doctor and the avenger, but that was mostly because he'd never been in a position of being asked to treat an enemy before. Usually it was very straightforward what was right. Bad guys were bad and were trying to do bad things that he needed to make them stop doing. Everyone else was good and innocent and should be protected and helped. The two didn't overlap. Until now. Leave it to Tony Stark to go missing and somehow find an injured supervillain in the process.

If he was being honest with himself, Loki really did look kind of pathetic when Tony pushed him into the guest room on a rolling desk chair, especially compared to every other time they'd seen him. He wasn't wearing armor but rather ordinary--almost earthly--looking button down shirt and pants with one leg slit open to allow for the crude splint on it. There was no arrogance in his face or body, just pain and fear and resignation, clearly not at all comfortable with the company of the people he had so recently fought but still not resisting. Okay, conflict...diminished.

He sized up the god. Tall but very lean. Bruce was disproportionately strong even when the Other Guy wasn't visiting, and that came in handy at times like this. "Hi Loki. Don't be surprised, I'm going to pick you up now so we can try and get you moved with as little jostling as possible." Loki nodded jerkily, but Bruce felt him tremble at the touch.

Loki was stoic, doing his best to hide his pain when his foot contacted the bed and staying quiet as Bruce checked his vitals and did a very quick exam for any serious damage Tony had failed to mention, but his wide eyes (wow they were green, no trace of blue whatsoever, maybe he really had been mind controlled) and pounding pulse spoke clearly of his terror at the whole process. Bruce wondered if he had any prior knowledge of how medicine worked on Earth. Asgardian doctors probably did it all with magic.

"I'm going to give you something for the pain now so that I can set your ankle." He warned, taking a guess at Loki's weight and measuring out a dose of morphine. "I don't know if this will be as effective on you as it is on humans, so you need to tell me if you're still in pain." He could practically _see_ the spike in the god's pulse when he gave him the shot. Evidently that was something they didn't do in Asgard. Bruce was starting to really feel sorry for the guy.

"How's it feeling?" While they waited for the morphine to kick in, Bruce had rolled the sliced pant leg up out of his way and begun very carefully removing the splint and examining the ankle. For all that Tony had appeared to be tuning out all of the lectures on first aid, he thankfully had known enough to not try to move anything and just immobilize it in exactly the position it was in. It _looked_ ugly, but Bruce could see exactly where the break was and although it was clearly displaced it wasn't compound and the break looked clean.

"Is it fixed?" He looked more relaxed, if still a little dizzy.

"Not yet, but if it's feeling better that means the medicine I gave you is working and I can start putting the bones back where they should be." He looked up at the ceiling (why he always did that he didn't know, there was no need) "JARVIS, tell Tony to come in here in case I need another set of hands."

"On his way, sir."

In his own room down the hall, Tony groaned. It wasn't that he didn't _want_ to be helpful, he certainly did, but he wasn't feeling well and would have preferred to avoid anything that might risk Bruce discovering that. He didn't terribly like doctors doing things to him, even when the doctor was his friend and teammate and lived with him.

Loki was impressed by these human drugs. His ankle had felt really quite good until the doctor had grabbed it and started _pulling_ and _twisting_. But there was no time to think about that, because he'd been hit by an intense wave of pain and dizziness and nausea made all the more intense by the comparison to a second before. He dove for the wastebasket that one of the humans shoved in his direction.

Bruce ceased what he was doing and surveyed the scene before him. Loki was retching into a wastebasket, Tony pressing on his hip with one hand in an attempt to keep his leg from moving and clumsily holding his hair back with the other. He winced sympathetically. "Right. Clearly gods require a higher dosage of morphine than us mortals. Duly noted."

This time, Loki could barely feel the doctor working, and it certainly didn't hurt. In fact, he was straight-up high as a kite and he knew it. He _should_ have been concerned about being this mentally impaired in the company of _avengers_ , but he just couldn't seem to muster any sort of concern. The world was just too _pleasant_ for negative feelings. Stark was brushing his hair back out of his face, and it felt good, so he couldn't help leaning into the touch. He liked being petted. That's why he enjoyed transforming into a cat. He wished he could turn into a cat right now. Stupid Thanos draining his magic. The mortal clearly picked up on his enjoyment of being petted, because he kept at it, adding the faintest touch of nails raking over his scalp that made Loki almost purr.

Finished setting Loki's ankle, Bruce looked at the head of the bed with amusement. He'd gotten a god _high_. Loki was practically in Tony's lap and Tony was _petting_ him.

"Care to explain how you managed this one?"

"Took a hike on Steve's suggestion. Turned around because it started pouring. Couldn't get back across the river crossing because the water was too high, so I went looking for another place to cross. Found this guy sprawled in the mud with his leg caught in log way off any path, and the floodwater was getting close, so I rescued him." His tone was light, but something in his eyes dared Bruce to argue. He didn't.

"Well, you were right he needed help. Any idea how he got there?" He would have preferred to ask him himself, but the god appeared to have fallen asleep.

"Not sure. His magic is drained though, courtesy of some aliens who aren't pleased about their mind-control of him getting broken."

"That does back up the mind control claims. What about you, are you alright?"

"Dude, have you _seen_ his _eyes_? It's pretty clear."

"You haven't answered my question.

Damn. "I'm tired. It's been a long last couple of days." He was very proud of himself for managing not to cough in front of Bruce. He should probably remove himself from his friend's company soon though so he could stop holding it in.

Bruce eyed him critically. "Go take a nap. I'll stay with our guest in case he wakes up." Tony jumped at the opportunity. As soon as he was out the door, Bruce addressed JARVIS. "Inform me if he shows signs of becoming ill."

"Already is, sir. His temperature is elevated and he has been coughing since his return."

Bruce rolled his eyes. "Predictable. There's cold medicine in the bathroom, tell him to take some and let me know if he doesn't or he gets worse."

"Yes sir."

Loki awoke in a large bed with his ankle throbbing but much less so than it had been and very thoroughly immobilized. His head was still a little fuzzy, but he wasn't truly _high_ anymore. He sat up tentatively. Nope, not dizzy anymore. That was a relief.

The man who became the Hulk was sitting nearby with a book, and looked up at the movement. "Hey, feeling better?"

"Much. I suppose now you're going to try and lock me up." He was proud of himself for keeping his voice level, but inside he was terrified. He had no magic, no weapons, and couldn't even walk. They could do pretty much anything they wanted and he'd be helpless.

The doctor shrugged. "Not if you don't give us a reason to. Tony brought you here rather than turning you in, didn't he? He thinks you're redeemable."

Loki nearly blushed, looking down awkwardly. "I am grateful to be patched up and given another chance, and very sorry for the things I did while under the control of the Chitauri. I would not have behaved that way in my right mind."

Bruce smiled at the change in the young god. "Despite my better judgement, I believe you. The change in the color of your eyes is really quite obvious, and when we met before you were nothing like Thor's stories suggested. Now...now I can see them being possible."

That earned a wry smile. "I doubt any of his stories are actually possible, the way he embellishes things."

"Sir?" JARVIS interrupted, "I detect an increase in Mr. Stark's body temperature and frequency of coughing at my latest assessment."

Bruce stood up, rolling his eyes. "Damnit Tony. Sorry Loki, I need to go force some medicine into him." He pulled a pair of crutches out of the closet and leaned them within reach of the bed. "In case you feel the need to explore. JARVIS will keep tabs on you and direct you wherever you want to go within reason."

Exploring didn't sound like a bad idea, especially after not having had proper food in a while. Loki pushed the blankets back and inspected the thing immobilizing his ankle. It was definitely more secure than a splint, and very bright neon green. He supposed it wasn't exactly a secret that his favorite color was green, but leave it to Stark to have such a crazy shade of bandages on hand.

It took a few minutes to get the hang of hopping about on the crutches, but only a few. Loki was a quick learner. "JARVIS?" He asked, tentatively, "Could you direct me to the kitchens?"

Tony was woken from his nap by a weight on the edge of his bed. How had Bruce gotten in? He was sure he'd locked the door.

"You really shouldn't lie to me about being sick." The other man commented mildly, "You'll feel better much faster if you let me help you."

"I'm not sick."

"Really? JARVIS tells me your temperature is elevated and you've been coughing."

"Traitor."

"Shut up and let me listen to your lungs."


	3. Chapter 3

"So how does my humble abode compare to your palace?" Tony flopped dramatically into the chair across the kitchen table from Loki.

"Oh, uh, less ornate. More sleek than grand. Harder to get lost in. No two-faced gossipy courtiers underfoot."

"Is that a good thing?"

Loki shrugged. "It's different. It's not a bad thing. I imagine it fits your needs better than the palace would. And the lack of courtiers is indisputably a plus."

Tony looked incredulous. "Really? But don't you enjoy having people fawning over you trying to gain favor?"

Loki huffed and gingerly resettled his leg on the chair where he'd propped it up. "Hardly. They're terrible company and shallower than a puddle. I'd much rather read or do experiments or take a horse out for a ride. And I wasn't terribly high on their list of people to butter up either."

"But… You're a prince."

"The second son, not the heir. Unpopular because I was not fair and brawny like they believed a man should be. Not manly enough in my tastes. Frequently in trouble. A poor example of the race, especially in comparison to my perfect brother. They paid me the respect due to a prince but figured their energy was better spent gaining the favor of others."

"That's dumb. If they thought Thor was perfect, they must not value brains like at _all_."

"They don't." The metaphorical storm cloud over Loki's head was almost tangible. "It was shameful that I enjoyed my studies, even if nobody dared say as much to my face."

"Well, that's not shameful _here_." Tony declared, "And in fact, in _my_ house, being a genius is _encouraged_. We're all geniuses here." He sat up straight, looking like a kid at christmas. "Oh. My. God. We are going to have such fun. It's cool having Bruce for my science bro and all that, but he's so annoyingly modest and shy and hates extravagance and stuff, and I just can't understand that because, I mean, I'm practically royalty here, that's just what I _do_ , but you're _actually_ royalty so you can totally handle my 'silly frivolities' that he doesn't like, _plus_ you can keep up with us intellectually, so- Eep!" Bruce had been standing unnoticed behind him for some time, arms crossed and one eyebrow raised in something between amusement and irritation, and had finally grabbed him by the back of his collar. "How long have you been there? _Loki why didn't you tell me he was standing behind me?_ "

Loki grinned goofily. "Because I'm the god of mischief and I'm the slightest bit buzzed on painkillers and it's not my fault you're unobservant."

Bruce fixed Tony with a stern look. "Go back to bed. You're still quite feverish and your cough hasn't let up any. And don't even _think_ about bringing coffee with you. You need rest, not caffeine."

"But-"

"Bed. Now. Or I will sedate you."

"JARVIS, don't let him."

"I will not be getting involved in this."

"Traitor." Tony slunk out of the room.

Bruce rolled his eyes and turned to Loki. "Come with me down to the lab. I've got the machinery in working order now, so I want to take some x-rays to make sure your bones are setting right."

\-------

"Yeesh, you sure can sulk like nobody else." Loki sat down uninvited on Tony's bed, surprising him.

"You're going to get yelled at for interfering with my rest." He grumbled.

Loki grinned. "Maybe, maybe not. It so happens that Doctor Banner decided to take a nap, so as long as we cause no explosions..."

"Decided? He didn't have any help from you, did he?" Despite his sulking and illness, Tony couldn't help but perk up a little.

"My magic may be drained, but I still know my herbs and he conveniently favors loose tea."

Now Tony was officially curious. "You can do that with just what was in my kitchen? What'd you _do_?"

"Certainly. Nothing remotely harmful, of course, but kitchen herbs are quite sufficient to make a person feel somewhat relaxed and drowsy."

"…and decide that a nap sounds good and be less likely to Hulk out if we do stuff that annoys him." Tony was truly grinning now. "You have _got_ to teach me that trick some time."

"It's very simple. All I did was hide his jar of tea leaves and replace it with one filled with a mixture of mint and chamomile. He was so engrossed in the paper he was reading, he didn't even seem to notice that it tasted different."

Tony grabbed his tablet off his nightstand and created a new document. "You know what, let's make a To Do list. I get the feeling this is the start of a beautiful friendship." _Fun with kitchen herbs_ , he wrote down. "Ooh, if only catnip worked on people."

"Catnip does in fact have an effect on humans." Loki and JARVIS corrected him simultaneously.

"It does? I wonder if catnip works on superhumans. Or the Hulk." They locked gazes. "That is so happening."

"You know," Loki commented, "I'd be interested in learning about hacking. The mischief I could cause…"

"I'm teaching you." Tony added that to the list. "If you'll teach me some of the stuff the aristocrats were supposed to know how to do."

"Hmmm. Riding a horse, dancing, fencing…"

"You had to learn to dance? Wait. But that means _Thor_ can dance. I totally can _not_ see him dancing. Except maybe drunkenly with his hammer."

Loki smirked. "I never said he could dance _well_. And yes, he's done that before when the court ladies tired of him stepping on their feet and ceased dancing with him."

"Wait, seriously? He's capable of getting drunk? Right, I guess you guys have stronger alcohol than we do."

Loki shrugged, a sparkle in his eye belying his innocent expression. "Ah, well, he was younger then and not yet drinking like a grown man. He'd already had as much as Mother would let him at dinner, and the punch at the ball wasn't _supposed_ to be alcoholic."

"You spiked the punch at some sort of court ball." Tony started laughing and immediately succumbed a coughing fit. "How…old…were…you?"

"I would have been about twelve that time, I should think." Loki was thoughtful. "I have the impression that Thor had just discovered girls at the time, so he must have been in his early teens."

"You did that a lot?"

"Quite a lot. What else is a dateless young man supposed to do at a dance?"

"You didn't have dates to the balls?"

"Once. Father was pressuring me to stop being so antisocial and bring a date for once, so I did. I'm not sure whether the courtiers were more horrified that my date was a commoner or a man. Suffice to say, I was no longer pressured to bring a date."

"What, you didn't bring a horse?" Tony snickered. Loki spluttered indignantly for a moment, then clobbered the engineer with his own pillow.


	4. Chapter 4

"I didn't know you were a Harry Potter fan." Tony leaned against the doorframe. "Actually, I kind of forgot I even owned the books."

Loki shrugged. "Neither did I until this morning."

Tony choked on his coffee. "You read the first 3 and some books already today?!"

"Indeed. I was bored." Loki read another passage, laughed, and finally looked up from the book. "The style of magic portrayed takes some getting used to when accustomed to the sort that I do, but I'm rather enjoying the antics of the twins."

Tony took a moment to remember which characters those were, then laughed too. "You would. What'd they do this time?"

Loki extended the book to him and pointed out a passage.

_"Well, I certainly don't," said Percy sanctimoniously. "I shudder to think what the state of my in-tray would be if I was away from work for five days."  
"Yeah, someone might slip dragon dung in it again, eh, Perce?" said Fred.  
"That was a sample of fertilizer from Norway!" said Percy, going very red in the face. "It was nothing personal!"  
"It was," Fred whispered to Harry as they got up from the table. "We sent it."_

Tony snorted and started coughing again. Loki patted him on the back absentmindedly. "I may have to use that one on someone once my magic returns."

Coughing under control again, Tony smirked. "You don't have to wait. I did promise to teach you to hack computers, and we may not have dragons here, but I'm sure we could manage to reroute some fertilizer deliveries."

Loki put down the book, delicately raising one eyebrow. "Anywhere in particular you were thinking?"

"Fury's personal inbox, of course!"

"What clearance level do you figure that takes?"

"Ridiculously high. JARVIS?"

"On it, sir."

"Cool. And drop us down a screen to link to my tablet. I want to do this one by hand so Loki can watch."

\----

Bruce looked up from his work, concentration broken by his stomach growling loudly. What? But breakfast couldn't have been all that long ago. He checked his watch. It read 2 pm. Wait, really? 2 pm? That couldn't be right.

"JARVIS, what time is it?"

"It is 2:01 pm, Pacific Time. Would you like me to call Mr. Stark and Mr. Odinson to lunch?"

"No, I'll go check on them myself." He straightened his workspace and headed for the elevator. "Send me to the right floor?"

Seriously though, how was that possible? Going two hours without some sort of disruption, usually in the form of a crash or explosion from Tony's workshop, was practically unheard of, let alone five.

No, but Tony was still sick. Maybe he was actually behaving himself and taking it easy. Introducing Loki to a movie series or something.

A quiet movie marathon with Tony Stark and Loki the God of Mischief? Even in his head that didn't sound right. Sure, Tony was sick and Loki was meek and sore and slightly dopey from painkillers right now, but there was no way that the two of them together wouldn't get into trouble just by virtue of being _them_. They'd probably get distracted from the movie by trying to build a quantum popcorn popper and accidentally invent a new explosive compound.

With a feeling of impending doom, Bruce headed off in search of lunch and his housemates.

\----

"What are you two up to?" They jumped and turned. Bruce was standing in the doorway, looking suspicious.

Loki grinned, innocent expression belying their true intentions. "Tony's teaching me how computers work! Who'd've thought the All-Tongue would help with learning to program, right?"

"See, Doc? We're taking it easy just like you said." Tony chimed in, "We're not doing anything remotely physical."

Bruce eyed the screen. It certainly didn't look like they were in the middle of a programming lesson to him. Something, certainly, but not a programming lesson. "That's not what I'm worried about right now."


	5. Chapter 5

"I'm bored." Tony announced.

"That seems to happen a lot." Loki remarked without looking up from the copy of Deathly Hallows in his lap.

"What's your point?" Tony sat on the arm of Loki's chair, deliberately crowding him."

"No point, just an observation."

"Hrmph. Well I'm bored. We should do something."

Loki sighed and put a bookmark in his book. "Like what?"

"I don't know. You're the God of Mischief, you should be brimming with ideas."

"And in case you've forgotten, my magic is drained and my leg is broken." Loki retorted, "My abilities are a little impaired right now."

"Jeez, touchy touchy." Tony remarked, "Maybe you'd better have some of that calming tea that you doped up Bruce with- OH MY GOD."

Loki raised an eyebrow. "Well, I'm not _yours_ , per se..."

"Shush, I got an idea. Wouldn't it be hilarious if Coulson fell asleep on his desk?"

"Well, yes, but how do you propose achieving that?"

"With your sleepy tea potion thingy! Haven't you been listening?"

" _Yes_." Loki glared exasperatedly. "I have. But how do you intend to get it into his system?" Tony froze like a deer in the headlights. Loki rolled his eyes. "As I _just_ mentioned, my magic is still drained."

"We could invite him over?"

"A, that would probably make him suspicious. B, he would fall asleep here instead of at headquarters. C, that's if it even worked that strongly on him which there's no guarantee that it would considering it makes most people merely drowsy. And D, I'd really rather not be recognized."

Tony sputtered a moment, searching for an argument. "Well, well fine. Those are valid points. Except we could totally disguise you."

"Without magic?"

"Yeah, some clothes that nobody would expect you to wear, it'll totally work. You can borrow some of mine."

Loki eyed Tony's considerably shorter frame. "Somehow I doubt they'll fit me."

"Well you can fix th- Right. No magic. Shit. Well, you need more clothes anyway. I'm taking you on a shopping spree."

"I agree that I need more clothes, but going on a shopping spree with you sounds like a terrible way to avoid being recognized." Loki argued. "Can't we order clothes online?"

"Certainly sir." JARVIS chimed in, "I can pull up a wide range of things in your size from which to choose."

" _No_ , JARVIS. Loki is going on a shopping spree with me and that's final." Tony said authoritatively. "It'll be fun."

"I don't know what's going on in here, but it's never good news when those words come out of your mouth." Bruce stuck his head in the room. "Oh, and I made lunch since you two seem to have forgotten to eat. Again."

"Thank you Bruce." Loki jumped to his feet with surprising grace for a man on crutches, "Now that you have reminded us, I _am_ hungry."

"Wait-Hey! You are not escaping this easily!" Tony complained

\----

"I've been wondering," Loki mused as Bruce brought their plates to the table, "What did you do before you became the Hulk?" He paused. "If you don't mind talking about it, of course."

"It's quite fine." Bruce assured him, sitting down, "I was a university professor."

"An admirable career. May I ask why you have not returned to it now that you have gained control over your transformations?"

"I'm not sure anyone would hire me." Bruce shrugged and dug into his sandwich, "Besides, I like my lab here."

"Nobody would hire you? Bullshit." Tony flopped inelegantly into his seat. "You're a fucking genius, and your control is unbelievable."

"I'm flattered, but-"

"No buts. You only ever leave the house if I force you to. You need to get out more. I'll call up some of my contacts and get you a teaching job."

" _No_ , Tony. I don't want someone to hire me as a _favor_ to you."

"So find a teaching job yourself."

"But-"

"No. I've decided. You're going to start teaching again. If you don't find a position yourself, I'll do it for you. And that's final."

Bruce's expression suggested the onset of a massive headache. Loki sympathized quite a lot.


	6. Chapter 6

"Are you sure we can't order clothes online?" Loki asked, looking at the mall entrance with apprehension.

"Positive. Come on, gimpy. We've got shopping to do." Tony tugged on Loki's arm, nearly unbalancing him. Loki scowled. Tony snickered. It was impossible to take him seriously when he was without magic and wearing Bruce's sweatpants, Tony's t-shirt, a baseball cap, and a neon green cast.

The sinking feeling that had been weighing on Loki since they had departed that morning lifted a little when he spotted the Hot Topic storefront. He veered in that direction.

Noticing where his guest was heading, Tony grabbed him by the back of his t-shirt. "No you don't. That goth-y steampunk-y stuff is so predictable of you. We're buying you clothes that nobody would expect you to wear, remember?"

"Dare I ask what you have in mind?" Loki was still looking wistfully at the rack of metal-adorned trenchcoats just inside the door.

Tony snickered. "I'm thinking American Eagle. Nobody will ever expect that."

Loki eyed him suspiciously. "What's that? Oh no, it's a shop dedicated to Captain America fangirls isn't it? Absolutely not. That's going too far."

Tony tried to picture it. A whole store full of Captain America merchandise. Not just t-shirts and plastic shields, but _everything_. Action figures, red white and blue sneakers with little wings, panties… Oh god. Captain America panties. Spangles would have a heart attack. Tony gleefully resolved that if Captain America panties weren't already being sold somewhere, he'd make sure that somebody _started_ selling them. And he'd make sure his prudish teammate found out about them. Oh yes. This absolutely _had_ to happen.

Loki recoiled. "Why are you doing the mad scientist laugh?" Tony tackled him in a hug, almost knocking them both to the ground. "YIPE!"

"Because you're a fucking genius."

"Well, I, yes, I do have above average…"

"That was the. Best. Idea. Ever."

"What? I'm confused."

"A store for Captain America fangirls." Tony said exasperatedly, "It's a brilliant idea. Captain Spandex is so ridiculously modest and awkward and prudish. Can you _imagine_ his _reaction_? Especially if it had, like, underwear?"

Loki looked at him appreciatively. "You're not half bad at getting into mischief yourself."

"Well duh. Now come on."

"So, this place you're taking me _isn't_ full of…"

"Of course not! Come on! The faster we get you clothes, the faster we can go home and make evil plans!"

\----

"And just how do you expect me to try these on?" Loki looked between Tony and the pile of pants skeptically.

"Right. I've got this covered." Tony flagged down a teenage salesgirl. "Miss! A little assistance here?"

"Sure, uh, what can I do for you?" The girl was blushing as Tony turned on the smolder.

"You can take my friend's measurements and make some recommendations for pants. He kind of can't try them on right now."

She turned her attention onto Loki, who shifted awkwardly. "I, ah, yeah. My cat knocked over a candle on my dresser. Broke my ankle jumping out the window. And can you help me find at least a few things that will fit over the cast?"

Her eyes went wide. "Oh no! You poor thing! Was the kitty okay?"

"Just fine." Tony cut in, "Little shit is probably tearing up my couches right now. _Anyhow_ , measurements?"

"Yes sir. Of course." She scurried off in search of a tape measure, and Tony leaned in close to Loki.

"A candle? Really? That was a terrible lie. Nobody uses candles anymore."

"Then why did I see a bunch of them for sale on our way through the mall?" Loki retorted.

"Scented. For women who want to make their homes smell like flowers."

"Well maybe the cat's litterbox was stinking up the house."

Tony opened his mouth to snark back, but shut it hastily as he spotted the salesgirl headed back in their direction.

"She's cute, isn't she?" Tony opined quietly when the girl had scurried off again in search of something or other.

Loki shrugged, sifting through the sweaters on the nearest display table. "I suppose. A bit young for you though, don't you think?"

"Please. Do I look like I date women my age?

Loki decided not to dignify that with a response and hobbled over to the next rack that looked vaguely interesting.

"All set." The salesgirl handed Tony the bags, "Is there anything else I can do for you boys?"

"How about-" Tony started.

"Nope!" Loki cut him off before he could finish asking for the (probably underage) girl's number. "Thank you very much for your wonderful service today, miss."

"Aw, you're quite welcome." The girl blushed a little, "And, if you don't mind my saying it, you two are a very cute couple."

Tony made a strangled noise. Loki smiled sweetly at the girl. "Thank you miss, we like to think so too." He shot a wicked grin at Tony. "Come along now, _darling_."


	7. Chapter 7

"Do you want this contract or not? I'm telling you, just making them red white and blue is not enough. That's been _done_ to death. His face needs to be splashed all over them. And maybe something sassy on the butt about... I don't know. Some patriotic double entendre or something. You're the fashion designer here." Loki, entering, cocked his head in puzzlement at Tony's end of the phone call. What was- Oh. Right. Trying to horrify Captain America by putting his face on women's undergarments. "Oh, good morning L- _Luke_." Tony spotted him. "Huh? Oh, no, just my new butler. No, I don't need to attend to anything. He'll wait. Now about the design. Are you taking notes?"

Loki stuck his tongue out at Tony and headed for the kitchen. It sounded like Tony would be on the phone for a while.

"Morning, Loki." Bruce breezed past him through the kitchen.

"Good morning to you too. What's with the tie?"

"Interview for a teaching position. Don't tell Tony. If I'm going to return to teaching, I'm going to get the job on my own merits not because he put in a call to someone."

"Oh. Good luck."

"Thanks. I gotta run though, I asked the taxi to meet me down at the beach." Bruce ducked out the door.

Loki flopped into a chair, debating his options. Bruce would be out of the house for several hours at least. Tony seemed quite occupied with his phone call. And Loki was _hungry_.

Well, cooking couldn't be _that_ hard, right? After all, Bruce and Tony could whip up waffles practically in their sleep. The only problem was that carrying things around the kitchen was going to be hard on crutches. Hmm.

Robots. He'd borrow one of Tony's robots to help him. That was perfect. He hopped up and took the elevator down to the workshop.

"Um. Hi?" Now that he thought of it, Loki wasn't really sure how to talk to the robots. "Would, uh, would any robots like to come up to the kitchen and help me make waffles?"

To his relief, one came racing over to him, trilling happily. Excellent. His assistant was even enthusiastic.

"Okay. We need a large mixing bowl." Loki directed the robot, riffling through the drawers in search of the mixing spoons and measuring cups. "I think the one Bruce used last time was blue." Behind him he could hear cupboard doors banging, and then the bowl in question was placed on the counter. "Great. How about flour, brown sugar, baking soda, and salt? Is that too long of a list of you?"

The robot trilled at him, and Loki thought he detected an indignant tone.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. You're a very smart machine. I was just asking."

The apology was apparently satisfactory, because the robot sped off into the pantry with renewed enthusiasm.

"Right. Uh. Mostly right." On the counter next to the cookbook were flour, baking cocoa, seltzer, and salt. He handed back the cocoa and seltzer. "Can you put these back and grab baking soda-it should be in a little cardboard box-and brown sugar-that should be in a plastic bag-for me?" The robot sped off again, and Loki measured out the flour and salt. Alright. Not bad so far. He just had to be clear with his assistant was all. Natural language parsing was not perfect.

Suddenly there was a thumping and scraping. Loki looked around him. Nothing _looked_ amiss. And the noise had come from the opposite direction from the pantry, so it wasn't the robot making it. He shrugged and accepted the new (correct) ingredients from the robot. This was Stark's house, after all. Weird things happened there.

"Thanks." He turned back to mixing the dry ingredients. "Get out the buttermilk, butter, and two eggs, will you?" The robot beeped at him and rolled away, and he heard the fridge open, followed a moment later by the sound of something falling. "Everything okay over there?" The robot made a reassuring noise. "Okay, I'll take that to mean you've got everything under control. You can put the dry ingredients away when you bring me the things from the fridge."

A crash in the pantry caused Loki to jump and dribble some buttermilk on the counter. "Damnit! What happened?" He asked the robot as it returned to him. "Pass me the paper towels?" The robot made a neutral hum as it slid them to him. "Oh, right. You can't talk. Did you drop one of the dry ingredients?" The robot beeped affirmatively. "That's alright then. That can't have done much harm."

\----

"Okay, fine, JARVIS. I'm off the phone. What did you want to tell me?"

"Two things, sir." JARVIS sounded amused, which made Tony worry just a little. "First, I thought you would appreciate knowing that your delivery has reached Director Fury's office and I am working on getting access to the security camera feed for when he returns-"

"Ahaha! Brilliant! Put it up on the living room TV and keep me posted. I'll be working on an idea I just got."

"-and second, Loki and DUM-E are attempting to cook."

"Okay, cool, I'll- Wait. WHAT?"

"Loki and DUM-E are in your kitchen attempting to make waffles."

Tony facepalmed. "Oh dear god. Loki is smart enough, he can probably handle following a recipe, but... DUM-E. Of all the robots he could have recruited to help him, why DUM-E?"

"He asked for volunteers and DUM-E volunteered."

"That was a rhetorical question, JARVIS." Tony headed for the kitchen. This was going to be interesting.

To his surprise, nothing appeared amiss at first glance. Loki was transferring waffles from the waffle iron to a serving plate, DUM-E was spinning in circles in excitement over having been helpful, and it smelled delightfully of freshly made waffles.

"Oh hi." Loki looked up. "I made waffles! Want some?"

Well, they did smell good. "Yeah, sure. Did you get the syrup out? No. Okay, I'll grab the syrup. I'm impressed that you two- WHOAH!" Tony had been speaking over his shoulder to Loki instead of looking where he was going as he circled around the counter, and found himself doing an unceremonious butt-plant in front of the fridge. "What the- Ew! Why is there egg all over the floor?"

"What? Oh no. I thought I heard something fall when your robot was fetching the wet ingredients for me, but he said everything was okay..." Loki peered over the counter, looking concerned.

Tony stood up carefully, making a face. "Ugh. DUM-E! Clean this up!" He opened the fridge, discovering egg all over the inside as well. "Gah! And this, too!" The robot trilled at him. "Oh fine, yes, I know you aren't familiar with this floor. I'll get out the mop for you."

"Sorry about this." Loki looked embarrassed.

"Nah, it's fine. This is just what happens when you let DUM-E help with things. Lesson learned, right? He makes a mess, I make him clean it up." Tony opened the pantry door to fetch the mop, and a sea of white foam poured out, spreading across the kitchen. "WHAT. THE. FUCK."

Loki shrugged helplessly, eyeing the flowing foam with suspicion. "This one I have no idea."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone requested Loki trying to cook and destroying the kitchen when I was originally writing this story and asked for requests/suggestions. I figured he's smart enough to follow a recipe though, so I decided to throw DUM-E in the mix. He can't really carry things around the kitchen while on crutches, after all. (Is a whole bottle of vinegar falling off the shelf and breaking and soaking a whole box of baking soda enough to create that volume of foam? For comedic effect, let's assume it is.)


	8. Chapter 8

"How long can it possibly take for Fury to get back to his office?" Tony whined.

Loki rolled his eyes and finished chewing his mouthful of waffle. "He's a busy man. Have some patience."

"And I'm an impatient man." Tony shot back. "For that matter, would you hurry up and get your magic back so we can prank people better?"

Loki huffed in irritation. "There's nothing I can do. It'll come back in its own sweet time. It's starting to, already, but not in a useful form."

"What do you mean 'not in a useful form'?" Tony asked, jumping to the edge of his chair, "Like you don't have control of it? Are you going to accidentally damage my house as well as my tower? We can totally find a way to direct your random magic surges through science."

Loki raised an eyebrow at the property damage comment but didn't dignify it with a response. "Not exactly. My magic is inborn. A part of me. My body treats it much the same as nutrients from food or storage. Whatever functions are highest priority at the moment have first dibs on it. So right now, what magic I regain is being used by my body to knit the bone as fast as I regain it. If I were experiencing a stress response, it would become available to me just as stored nutrients are."

"That's kind of cool. You're healing really fast then?"

"Rather, I suspect. Bruce has not taken a second x-ray yet. If my magical core had not been completely depleted, I could heal this in a heartbeat, but as is it will be a while yet."

"Explain?"

"A person's magical core generates more magic, and the... more _full_... the magical core is, the more magic it can generate to keep itself filled. Mine is entirely depleted at present. My physical body generates some too, but not much. That's where the magic being grabbed to heal my leg is coming from, but because it's being used for that, it's not being used to refill my magical core and help generate more."

Tony nodded, science face on. "That actually makes sense. So to drain you-'cuz you're pretty damn powerful-the Chitauri probably had to do it really hard and fast to keep it from just replenishing. And you're going to start getting it back exponentially once your leg is healed."

Loki scowled at the cast. "Yes, and I expect so." He shuddered a little. "Having one's magic sucked so violently is...unpleasant."

"Unpleasant?"

"It is," He paused to consider, "Sort of like being electrocuted. Like if your hand were attached to a live wire strong enough to potentially kill you but weak enough to not do it instantly."

Tony winced. He'd been shocked hard enough to be thrown back by it a few times. He could only imagine how much worse it would have felt it he'd remained in contact with the wire for longer. "Sounds like you had a really horrible day, going through that and then being dumped in the woods probably none too gently and then breaking your ankle and then the rainstorm."

"I wasn't even certain which realm I was in until you showed up." Loki admitted. "I passed out while they were draining me, and woke in a fairly generic forest. I'm not sure they even intended for me to wake."

"You couldn't tell from the plants and animals where you were?"

"I was dazed. Do you really think that I would have been so clumsy were I not?" Tony conceded the point with a nod. "I injured myself within minutes of waking, staggering about in an attempt to find a less exposed spot to recover my wits."

"Director Fury is approaching his office, sirs." JARVIS interrupted. Both men swiveled around to watch the screen gleefully.

"You're kidding me." Tony griped. Just as Fury's hand touched the doorknob, Hill had shown up and begun talking to him in the hall. "Ugh. This is going to take forever. Truth or dare, Loki."

"Truth. I'm not looking away from this screen to do a dare."

"We'd do the dares after. Okay. Um. You said you took a man as your date to a court ball to scandalize the court. Were you actually attracted to him?"

"Only as a one night stand. Nice body, empty head. Truth or dare."

Tony eyed him calculatingly. "...Truth."

"Hmm. Well, since you started it, have you ever been attracted to a man?"

Tony blushed, remembering seeing Loki in his underwear in the cave. Loki noticed the blush and laughed. "...Yes. Truth or dare."

"Truth."

"Is that legend about you and a horse true?"

Loki threw a decorative pillow at him. "No! Truth or dare."

"Dare."

"I dare you to kiss the next attractive guy you encounter, no matter where you are... Oh! Looklooklook Hill's walking away, he's going to go in!"

"What? Oh my gosh. I can't wait. C'mon, go in, Nicky, go in..." Tony bounced in his seat. Loki snorted but leaned forward eagerly too.

Fury hesitated inside the door, looking suspicious. The pranksters held their breath. He probably smelled it. They'd asked for really airtight containers, but there was a limit to how airtight commercial packaging could get.

To their relief, Fury seemed to decide it was nothing. He sat down at his desk and began methodically opening his mail. Four envelopes were opened and tossed aside before he got to the first large package. As soon as his pocket knife broke the seal, he lept back out of his chair in obvious shock and disgust. Tony and Loki howled with laughter as he cautiously approached it, expression of suspicion turning into one of anger. His gaze shifted slowly from the open package now leaking on his floor to the three other similar-looking ones. Very cautiously he poked a small hole in each one, expression darkening as the same smell wafted out of them all. The culprits collapsed back against the back of the couch, shaking with laughter, as Fury picked up the phone and started yelling into it.

"That was amazing." Loki opined.

"Yes, it was." Tony looked over at the god of mischief sprawled next to him on the couch and remembered the dare. Well, he had asked for a dare and he was not one to turn down a dumb stunt. "Hey Loki."

"Hmm?" Loki turned to face him. He grabbed him and planted a nice big sloppy kiss on the shocked god's lips. "I...wha?"

"You dared me to kiss the next hot guy I encountered."

Loki regained his composure. "Yes, I suppose I did. So I'm hot, huh?"

Ah, what the hell. "Yup."

"Thank you. You're not half bad yourself."

"So, you've slept with men before."

"Yeah. Have you?" Loki was pretty sure he knew where this was going.

"No. Care to demonstrate for me how?"

This was a terrible idea. "I don't want things to be awkward if it's not to your liking."

"C'mon." Tony argued, "I just want to try it. No strings. Just sex."


	9. Chapter 9

Bruce breathed a sigh of relief as he entered to find the house quiet and seemingly undamaged. While his housemates were (theoretically) adults and self-sufficient, he'd had his concerns. But all seemed peaceful. He couldn't help but smile. His interview had gone well, he was pretty sure he was getting the job, and it looked like a quiet night at the Stark mansion. Maybe he'd cook something nice to celebrate. Sure, they ate nicely most nights with Tony's sky-high grocery budget, but since they were usually occupied in their labs they rarely made something that took much time.

Maybe he'd make lasagna. He dug into the cupboard where the pasta was kept. Huh. Ziti, fettucini, penne, another box of fettucini, but no lasagna noodles. Drat. Plan B. He shut the cupboard and poked around in the refrigerator for inspiration.

Aha! The package of hamburger in the bottom drawer gave him an idea. Romany steak. He hadn't had that in a while. Perfect.

A few minutes later Loki poked his head into the kitchen, drawn by the smell of the meat and vegetables sauteeing on the stove. "Mmm! That smells heavenly, whatever it is you're making. How'd the interview go?"

"Well, I think." Bruce smiled slightly as he added some spices to the food. "They seemed very impressed with my work and seemed to like my answers to all the questions. Still, we'll have to wait and see."

"Of course they liked you." Loki assured him. "Your work is excellent, especially for a mortal."

Bruce chose to ignore the 'mortal' jab. "Thank you. I hope that they agree with you. I've missed teaching a bit more than I like to admit."

"You seem well-suited to it." Loki sat down at the counter. "Very patient and gentle. By the way, could you x-ray my leg again? I think that my magic is healing it more quickly than a human, but I've never left something to heal without a spell before and I'm curious as to how quickly."

"Of course." Bruce ducked into the pantry for dry ingredients, "I'm rather curious myself, and the sooner we can get you out of the cast and doing some physical therapy, the less your muscles will atrophy." He paused. "Or is that not a concern for you? I don't pretend to be knowledgeable about your kind."

Loki hesitated, considering it. "Only in the short term I think, though again, I've never done this before. Theoretically, I would think that even if passive magic doesn't cause my to muscles to recover along with the bone then a healing spell still would."

"I'll trust your instinct on that. You never let an injury heal naturally before you learned to do healing spells?"

"I'm a _prince_ , doctor. We had the finest healers in the realm standing by at all times. The longest I went without healing was the ten minutes it took to find me and carry me across the castle on one particular occasion."

"So being laid up like this is very new and frustrating."

"Very. Anyhow, what _are_ you cooking?"

"Romany steak. Have you ever had it?"

Loki shook his head. "I didn't think we had any steaks in the house at present."

Bruce couldn't help smiling at the chance to teach their resident genius god something. "Romany steak isn't actually steak. It's ground beef and vegetables and spices cooked with biscuit on top. It's a favorite of mine from- OW!" He had opened a cupboard to get out a mixing bowl and one had fallen on his head.

"Yikes! You alright?"

"Ouch." Bruce winced. "I'm going to sit down a minute. Can't figure how that happened though; everything was stacked neatly when I emptied the dishwasher this morning."

Loki had a hunch, but decided not to say anything. "Want me to get you an ice pack?"

\----

"You know," Tony commented, "Today was a lot of fun. We should do it again."

Loki made a point of swallowing his food before allowing himself to think about the implication. "Dare I ask what part?"

"All of it."

Bruce winced. "I don't want to know."

Loki shook his head. "No, you don't."

"Yes he does!" Tony bounced in his seat, dinner forgotten.

"No. Plausible deniability." Loki and Bruce chorused.

"First rule of maximizing mischief." Loki added, "The more plausible deniability on the parts of anyone who is involved or might be suspected to know something, the more chaos can be caused before someone interferes with your fun."

Tony pouted. Loki rolled his eyes.

Bruce changed the subject. "We have that event tomorrow, remember? The science rolemodels thing."

"Really? Do we have to?" Tony whined, "I hate dealing with all those children. They don't listen and they keep trying to touch me."

"Yes, you have to." Loki answered, "Whatever it is. What is it anyway?"

"An event to show children that science and technology are cool." Bruce told him. "Tony, your dinner is getting cold. Eat. A science museum brings in a couple of famous figures such as us for a day each month to give a presentation to children about the science and tech side of what we do. Tony has difficulty giving his presentation in terms that the children understand."

"It's not my fault they're not smart enough to understand what I do!"

"That's not the problem. You're trying to explain it in terms that would confuse most professionals. You need to simplify it."

"Can't." Tony crossed his arms.

"Yes you can. I keep telling you, pick some small thing and talk about that instead of everything." Bruce's voice was taking on an overly patient tone.

Loki looked at Tony's sullen look and sighed. "How about I help you write that presentation."


	10. Chapter 10

"...So that's how we make computers talk. Any questions?" Tony finished up. In a back corner, disguised in sweats and a hat again, Loki gave him a subtle thumbs-up. He hadn't heard Tony's prior attempts at giving talks to the children, but judging by Bruce's expression, this time was a big improvement.

A little boy in the audience raised his hand. "Can you take me flying with you?"

"No."

A little girl shoved a bad crayon drawing of Iron Man in his face. "I drew you!"

Tony jumped backward, recoiling from the attempt to hand him the paper.

Bruce rolled his eyes and took the paper from her, tucking it in Tony's briefcase. "He doesn't like being handed things. But this will go on his fridge for sure."

"What advice can you give my son on becoming an engineer?" A mother in the audience asked. Her offspring looked like he couldn't care less.

"Do what you love. This isn't work to me, it's play."

"Great, thank you Mr. Stark." The moderator cut in before the woman could argue that that wasn't good enough, "That's all the questions we can take for now. We're going to move on now and Dr. Banner is going to tell you about stars."

As the polite applause died down and Bruce began explaining the different types of stars to the children, Tony slipped out of the auditorium. Loki hesitated. He wanted to hear Bruce's talk, but he had the somewhat uncomfortable but somewhat enticing feeling that Tony unchaperoned in a science museum was a recipe for _something_ happening. He ducked out the back door and circled around to the side where his host had exited.

Where was that human? Loki eyed the long row of doorways stretching down the hall apprehensively. While having downgraded to a boot from the cast and crutches allowed him to move a little more easily, he wasn't moving nearly fast enough to spot Tony before he could disappear into one of the many exhibits. Which meant he was going to have to check every room. Lovely.

The first room was full of things with moving parts, pendulums with pencils on them which when set in motion scribbled designs on pieces of paper for the children to take home, Rube-Goldberg machines, games of trying to make the greatest number of gears turn. Loki was a little surprised that Tony wasn't there, trying to make his own improvements.

The next room was full of lights shining on the walls, to which the children could add colored filters. The effect reminded him painfully of the Bifrost. He shook off that thought and moved to the next room, glad to not have found his host there.

Tony was in the third room, which was full of water. On first glance, Loki identified a rubber duck racetrack, a miniature water wheel made of see-through parts demonstrating how hydropower worked, and a giant fishtank covering one wall. Tony was playing with what appeared to be a whirlpool-making station.

"Hey." The billionaire didn't even look up.

"Hey. It seems I'm not so sneaky as I thought." Loki joined him, peering at the contraption with interest. "What _are_ you doing here?"

Tony chuckled. "You're not exactly quiet with that thing on your foot."

Loki sighed. "True enough." The whirlpool was getting so massive that the water threatened to overflow the tank.

"I always loved this room." Tony told him after a moment. "My first memory is coming here as a tiny little kid once when my mother had the oh-so-brilliant idea of trying to turn one of my father's business trips into a family vacation. I was too young to grasp most of the exhibits, barely even walking I think, but I remember the water being a familiar enough thing to enjoy at that age."

"That's adorable." Loki smiled mischievously, "But you might want to turn that off before it soaks the room."

"Eh, I can pay if anyone complains." Tony waved him off. "I went to the trouble of making alterations, I may as well enjoy them."

"That's boring." Loki argued, "It'll be much funnier if some unsuspecting child causes it."

Tony eyed Loki. Loki gave him an innocent look. Tony grinned and turned the exhibit off. "You win, Trickster. Let's go race ducks."

\-------

"Are you trying to cheat with magic?" Tony asked. Loki was glaring at his rubber ducky.

"Perhaps." The god's shoulders slumped and he put the toy back down.

"Not working, huh?"

"Nope."

"Aw." A little awkwardly, Tony put his arm around Loki. "It'll come back when you're healed, you said so yourself."

Loki grumbled, but didn't pull away. "I know."

"Hey, you're fun to have around even without it. I'm really enjoying your company."

Loki blushed and ducked his head. "Really?"

"Yeah! You're fun, you're smart, you're hot, I wish the women I dated were like you!" Tony paused, jaw dropping. "Oh my gosh, why didn't I see it before? We should be a couple. We're like made for each other."

Loki looked at him like he'd sprouted another head. "You, giving up your playboy ways for a man who's also one of the most wanted villains in your realm?"

Tony returned the look. "What's it hurt to try?" On a whim, he nuzzled Loki's neck. "We both enjoyed our last little experiment."

\--------

As he stepped down from the podium, Bruce realized something terrifying. Tony and Loki weren't in the room. He tried to tell himself that he was being silly. There was some totally innocent reason of course. Loki had needed the restroom and Tony had gone with him for protection in case he was recognized. Right.

Still, he couldn't shake the feeling that the two of them were getting into trouble. One on their own was manageable, especially in Loki's current state, but together the two were greater mischief than the sum of their parts. (Honestly, replacing his leftover takeout with live crabs? What were they, ten?)

But his departure to go track down the two terrors was stalled when someone familiar stepped into his path. "Doctor Banner! Excellent talk for the children. My daughter loved it. I don't suppose you remember me?"

"I'm glad to hear it, and I do remember you. You're Doctor Conrad. I interviewed with you the other day."

"You're a sharp one. I don't think I could have picked out the hiring committee members on the street after _I_ interviewed for positions."

Bruce shrugged good-naturedly. "I've gotten good with faces."

"I'm impressed. Call me Jim, by the way. We're going to be colleagues as soon as the administration gets around to finishing the paperwork. That is, if our department was to your liking, of course."

"It was very much to my liking." Bruce couldn't help a smile sliding over his face. "I take it I was to your liking then?"

"Oh yeah. The committee loved you. It's just paperwork now, the paper pushers getting their act together to make a formal offer. You know how they are."

"I do."

Jim looked at him, calculating. "But you look like you were on your way somewhere. Child exploring the museum while you gave your talk?"

Bruce shook his head. "Easily bored housemate with a talent for attracting all things bizarre. Who is most likely attempting to make use of exhibits in ways for which they are not designed."

Jim's eyes widened. "I thought you seemed awfully familiar with Stark, even for his teammate."

"He has a habit of taking in strays. I am grateful for his friendship and hospitality, even if living in his house is not the most conducive to relaxation."

"That bad?"

"Never a dull moment."


	11. Chapter 11

"You look tense." Tony observed.

Bruce looked at him suspiciously. "I'm not a fan of red tape, and I'm definitely not a fan of the things that usually follow you saying those words."

"Aw come on. You've been working on that stuff all afternoon. You should blow off some steam."

"A cup of tea, a chance to put my feet up, the episode of Dancing With The Stars that I had JARVIS record for me, and the knowledge that I'm finished with these forms will be plenty of relaxation." Bruce bent back over the stack of paperwork sent by his new employer, giving Tony a pointed glare over his glasses. "Now kindly step away from me, and take that prank shock pen with you that you thought I wouldn't notice you sneak onto my desk."

Watching on a display provided by JARVIS, Loki snorted indelicately. "I told him he wouldn't sneak that one by him."

"Mr. Stark is stubborn, as you well know." JARVIS noted evenly. "However, I agree with him that he is the better person to persuade Dr. Banner to go along with this idea."

"And then he goes and jeopardizes it by getting caught trying to prank him." Loki hoisted the final two shrink-wrapped bales of dried catnip, "While he leaves the cripple to do the physical work."

On the display, Tony was giving Bruce his best innocent scientist face. "Come on Bruce. You can take a short break, you're making really good progress. Besides, I _need_ you. I'm trying to make ultralight vibranium chain mail, and I need your help to see how strong it is. Real quick. I want to have this ready before Clint's next mission, and he's gonna be cleared to go out again any day now." Bruce winced almost imperceptibly at the reminder of their friend's latest mission-related injuries. Tony grabbed on to that and pushed harder. "We both know you're thinking about it. If this stuff is as strong as I'm hoping, that won't happen again. Come on. Just a few minutes. For our teammate. Remember how scared we were when we heard?"

"Fine." Bruce stood up, setting down his pen and glasses with a touch more force than necessary. "Got the stuff in the test chamber already?"

"Getting it right now. I'll meet you there." Tony all but did a happy little jig as soon as he was out of his friend's sight. Sure, he wanted to test the strength of the hair-thin vibranium chain mail, but what would happen _after_ he'd assured himself of its strength was the main objective. He smirked. "JARVIS, is Loki ready on his end?"

"Waiting in the vent, sir."

\-----

"How's it holding up?" Tony joined his boyfriend on the opposite side of the grate leading to the Hulk-proof test chamber.

"Hasn't managed any damage yet."

"Brilliant. As usual I'm right."

Loki rolled his eyes. "Satisfied with its strength yet?"

Tony shook his head. "Not 'til he is. Get ready to dump the stuff as soon as he starts looking bored." He pulled the grate back stealthily. "Ah! There we go. He's looking up from the chain mail."

The two rapidly cut the plastic and dumped the bales of packed catnip through the vent directly onto the Hulk's head, hastily replacing the grate before he could look up.

Predictably, the Hulk's immediate reaction to something hitting his head was to pummel it, breaking the bales and spreading catnip everywhere. He sneezed as he inhaled some, shaking his head in confusion. Then sniffed. Then got down on all fours to sniff more. Then throw it around like confetti and bounce off the walls like a sugar-crazed toddler for a couple of minutes. Then start rolling around on the floor like a dog, laughing like crazy, before slowly shrinking back down into Bruce, still laughing.

Loki and Tony exchanged looks.

"That was great." Tony chortled. "Absolutely priceless."

"Indeed. And now he is going to kill us both. Unless..." Loki focussed hard on the man below, muttering to the words to a simple sleeping spell that he had been doing nonverbally since the age of about four.

Nothing happened. Loki scowled.

"Don't take it so hard." Tony told him, "You're not quite healed yet." He paused. "But on the other hand, what do we do now?"

Loki began crawling his way back towards the grate where he'd entered. "We let him out and persuade him to go straight to bed in the hopes that he writes this off as a strange dream. And while he's sleeping it off, we figure out what to do with all that catnip."

\------

When Bruce woke from his nap, he didn't immediately get up. Okay. Being tired after a transformation was normal. It was worth it though. He'd done his best to break the impossibly fine cloth-like chain mail that Tony had made, and it had held up. That was great. There was no question that he wanted to do his part to keep his more vulnerable teammates safe, especially the ones who went on solo missions.

After that, things had gotten weird. He wasn't sure exactly when reality had crossed over to dreams, which was out of the ordinary. Something had fallen on him, and the Other Guy had attacked it quite enthusiastically, after which point things stopped making sense. Before Loki had joined the household, (and he had the feeling that the god was not just a temporary addition as Tony had initially claimed) he would have said that one of the ceiling panels of the test chamber had given out and fallen on him and Tony had gassed him with something for safety, a decision with which he whole-heartedly agreed. Lately, though... He just wasn't sure. There had been a great number of pranks and otherwise suspicious events since the Trickster's arrival. He couldn't rule out the possibility that he had been the unaware subject of some experiment or prank.

He probably ought to check YouTube. That was exactly the sort of thing that his host would (and often did) do, posting embarrassing and amusing footage of his friends online. Of course, that wasn't as good of a check anymore with Loki around. Bruce wasn't sure whether he liked or disliked Loki's influence on Tony. He was both a mischievous and a calming influence. There were a lot more pranks, but they were more...controlled, he supposed. Tony's usual chaos constantly teetered on the edge of disaster, caution flung to the winds, with no forethought given to his actions. The engineer was the very definition of spontaneous. (His picture had somehow become very intricately hard-coded into the UrbanDictionary definition the day after teaching Loki to hack. Bruce was pleased to see that they targeted one another as well as him.) Loki forced forethought on him. Anything that was intentional was planned out. Loki didn't do anything that he didn't believe himself or his partner in crime capable of bringing back under control should it go further than intended.

Ugh. Whatever. Lying in bed puzzling over it wasn't getting him anywhere, and it definitely wasn't getting the rest of his paperwork done. He stretched and got up.

Drat. There was an inkstain on the cuff of the shirt he'd been wearing earlier. He'd better toss that in the wash. He opened his closet to get a fresh one. It was empty. Of course, now he remembered. He'd done a load of washing that morning and had forgotten to take it out of the dryer. Shrugging on the dirty shirt and deciding he didn't need shoes, he padded down the hall to the laundry room in sockfeet. Might as well kill two birds with one stone and throw this shirt in the machine while fetching his clean laundry.

On crossing the threshold to the laundry room, he went flying and landed flat on his back. Scowling, he rubbed a finger across the floor and examined it.

Butter. One of those little punks had buttered the floor. That confirmed it. Bruce was living with a pair of children.


	12. Chapter 12

"If we can't boobytrap the house while Bruce is out, then what are we gonna do?" Tony whined.

"We find something else." Loki informed him. "Let him cool down a bit before we mess with him again."

"But what?"

"Didn't you make that list of things that I learned to do growing up royal that you wanted to learn? Let's take a look at that." Loki rolled over and snagged the tablet off Tony's nightstand.

"Ugh, fine. I still think those were empty threats." Tony snatched the tablet away and opened the document from Loki's first night at the mansion. "Let's see. Fun with kitchen herbs, riding a horse, dancing, fencing, hacking-I already taught you that one-"

"And we'll delay playing with kitchen herbs until we have a convenient victim who isn't threatening to 'treat us like children if we keep acting like them', whatever he meant by that." Loki put in. "So riding, dancing, or fencing. How about riding? That'll be easier on my ankle than the other two."

"Fair enough. Let's acquire some horses!"

"Slow down, Shellhead." Loki rolled his eyes. "Let's wait on buying horses until you've taken a few lessons and decide if you even like it." He grabbed the tablet back. "Hey JARVIS, get us scheduled for a lesson at a local barn, will you? One expert rider, tell them I'm a professional medieval reenacter or movie stunt rider or something, coming off an injury and introducing my raw beginner friend to riding." He grinned at Tony. "Meanwhile, we will be finding a tack shop and getting ourselves some gear."

Tony cocked his head in a rather amusingly puppy-like way. "Gear? Toys?"

"Riding gear. English I think- got that JARVIS? Specifically English riding lessons- as it's more aristocratic. Just basics for you for now, but a little more than basics for me as they'll expect me to have my own almost everything and I intend to continue whether or not you do." Loki could almost smell the leather and saddle soap. He missed being able to wander down to the stables and go for a ride whenever he pleased.

Shopping with Tony proved slightly more fun when Loki very definitely had the upper hand. Someone with no clue what they were doing and far too much money was the best shopping companion in Loki's opinion.

First, Tony had tried to buy two of everything in the shop. Loki had hushed him very quickly.

Then Loki had had them both fitted for good sturdy pairs of riding boots. He didn't give Tony a say in which ones. That showoff was eyeing a pair of extremely overpriced bejeweled cowboy boots strategically placed as bait for people like him.

Then he turned Tony over to the saleswoman to find him some pants while he browsed the second-hand saddles uninterrupted. Tony would have pitched a fit if he saw Loki in the second-hand section, but it would be hard to explain why he didn't have his own saddle, or why his saddle were brand-new, considering he was telling the farm that he was a professional. New boots and helmet were one thing- saying they'd had to cut his boot off when he broke his leg and he'd decided it was prudent to replace his helmet after the fall was completely plausible and most likely went without even saying- but not the saddle. No, the saddle had to be used. Luckily, he liked the selection.

It was a small mercy that he had just barely decided on a saddle (and oh was it a beauty; there was something irresistible about the soft leather of a saddle that had seen plenty of use and plenty of oiling) when he heard the saleswoman's voice rising in frustration several aisles over. With a mental eyeroll, he deposited his ( _his_ , damnit) new saddle behind the counter and investigated.

Tony wanted show clothes. Of course. Tony thought he should show up to his first lesson looking like the riders he saw in the media. The saleswoman was trying very hard to be patient as she explained the different types of show clothes and that as an adult beginner he was not going to need those for quite a while so maybe he should wait until he decided which style of shows he wanted to do. Loki waited, browsing the selection of pants himself, until her voice had taken on that perfect note of desperation before rounding the corner and pulling his host away with a firm "You don't need that stuff. Come on, let's find you a helmet."

Loki again dumped Tony on the poor saleswoman, leaving her trying to explain the most complicated bridle that Loki had ever seen (and may have taken apart and creatively reassembled just for giggles) while he browsed saddle pads. They were probably going to owe her a tip for putting up with them.

"Welcome home sirs." JARVIS greeted them as they lugged bags of new clothes in the door. "Your first riding lesson is scheduled for 1 pm on Thursday at Oceanview Stables. The reservation is for Luke Olsen the movie stunt rider, bringing a friend who has never ridden before but wishes to learn. The address is saved in the GPSes of all of the cars."

"Brilliant, thanks. That's perfect." Loki thanked the AI before Tony could protest. "How far is the place?"

"About two miles, sir."

Loki's heart soared. That wasn't bad at all. If he liked the place and he were to acquire a horse of his own, that was a completely reasonable distance to happen to show up there without a car and not evoke suspicion. Or he could learn to drive. Not that he had his heart set on having a horse again. Of course not. He was just thinking ahead.

...Who was he kidding. He missed having horses. He hoped the grooms back in Asgard were slipping his favorite horses extra carrots in his absence.

Or... Or maybe once he had his magic back, he'd retrieve some of them. Not his entire string, they'd pick up on that too easily. That would be too obvious. Even two of his disappearing would probably be suspicious. But if he did it right, he could certainly make off with one. Yes. But which one? Not his childhood pony. The little brat was retired and getting fat out in a pasture; his master's absence surely hadn't impacted his life in the slightest. The racehorse he'd received for his birthday one year? No, much as he cared about all the horses, he'd never been particularly attached to that one. Pretty and fast but none too bright was not really his cup of tea. Fandral had probably long since persuaded Odin to let him adopt that one in light of his son's disgrace and disappearance...

"Hello? Earth to Loki?" Tony was looking at him funny. "You zoned out."

He shook himself. "Just thinking about how good it will feel to ride again. I've never before gone this long without it."


	13. Chapter 13

"Hi, I'm looking for Sandra, could you point her out to me?" Loki asked the little girl grazing a pony just outside the barn door.

She nodded shyly and pointed in the direction of the door. "She's grooming Candy."

Well, that was _somewhat_ helpful. Look for a horse being groomed. Loki thanked the girl and entered the barn, Tony trailing behind.

Luckily for them, a woman popped up from the other side of the small roan mare standing on the crossties. "Did I hear my name?"

"Sandra?"

"Yup. You'd be my 1 o'clock lesson then?"

"Indeed." Loki resettled his saddle on his hip and extended a hand to shake. "Luke Olsen. And this is my friend Tony."

She looked them over, and Loki was glad that he'd been so meticulous in dressing the part of a Midgardian seasoned rider. "You're... a stunt rider did you say?"

"Yeah." He shrugged bashfully. "Stunts, doubling for celebrities, nameless cowboy number three, documentaries involving horses, even did a stint with a medieval reenactment troupe for a bit. Whatever comes my way."

"So you're joining your friend for his first lesson for moral support then?"

"Only partly." He grinned ruefully as if embarrassed. "I've been out of the saddle for a few months. Took a fall practicing a scene and broke my leg. Now that I'm finally cleared to ride again, I need to get my muscles and my A-game back so I can get back to working."

She bought it. "Makes sense. You'll have to tell me if I push you too hard."

"Of course." Loki stroked the mare's nose. "Who's this pretty girl?"

"This is Candy. Tony will be riding her today. She's one of our best lesson horses." Sandra turned to Tony. "Go on, introduce yourself to your new friend."

Tony froze like a deer in the headlights. "Um."

Loki laughed. "Hold out your hand for her to sniff. There you go. See, she likes you. Also she smells the apple you ate earlier on you." Candy was, in fact, now licking Tony's hands.

"Luke, you'll be riding Blueberry." Sandra motioned to the taller bay mare in the next set of crossties. "She's not a mindreader like Candy, but she'll do it all if you just ask for what you want. I figured she would be good for getting a feel of your level. You understand, we get a lot of people claiming to be experts who really aren't. Gotta play it safe with new people."

"Oh absolutely." Loki stroked his mount's neck, setting his saddle on the nearest rack. "Sounds like a great horse for easing back in and finding out how much muscle I've really lost. Is this her grooming kit here?"

\-----

Getting a horse ready to ride was more work than Tony expected. There were multiple types of brushes, which had to be used in the correct order, and some of which could only be used certain places. Then he had to remember to scrape dirt out of the bottom of the hooves, except there was a fleshy part that looked like dirt but wasn't and if he got mixed up and tried to pry it out that might get him kicked which sounded painful. Then he had to pick the right size saddle and saddle pad and girth from the tack room, which he still wasn't sure how Sandra determined. And apparently some horses needed a second special pad, of which there were several types, and some needed an extra piece that connected the girth and sometimes also the saddle to the bridle, which thankfully was hanging on the labelled hook with the bridle if they needed it, and most needed things on their legs most of the time, but Sandra said he didn't need to bother with those yet because he was a beginner so his lessons wouldn't be at all strenuous for the horses for a while yet. And then there was the bridle, which despite the saleswoman at the tack shop's explanation was still an intimidating mess of straps to him. Tony wasn't even on yet, and he already felt out of his comfort zone. He hoped Loki was struggling at least a little, but somehow he doubted it.

Loki petted Blueberry's nose idly as he watched Sandra patiently walk Tony through tacking up. He liked this barn so far. He'd been able to find everything without asking for help, right down to polo wraps that actually matched each other and his saddle pad, and the horses seemed like lovely well-mannered creatures. Blueberry was excited to go, (and no surprise there; he'd checked for a racing tattoo on a hunch that she looked like a Thoroughbred and found one) but not pulling and had only pawed once, lightly. Ahead of them, Candy was showing amazing patience with Tony's fumblings.

"How are you doing, Luke?" Sandra turned around, "Oh good, all ready. Let's go to the ring."

Despite slight protest from his ankle at briefly supporting his full weight as he mounted, being back in the saddle was amazing. Blueberry was, as Sandra had said, not a pushbutton horse but still very responsive and willing. Loki gathered his reins and nudged her into a frame. She complied happily, ears pricked in anticipation of further commands. A shift in weight and light nudge counter-bent her, and on a whim, Loki nudged her into a sidepass. She was a nice mover. Loki was going to like this.

The ease with which he'd just watched Loki bound into the saddle was deceptive, Tony thought as he struggled and flailed trying to get on with Sandra's coaching. Just getting onto a horse required considerable muscle control. Maybe that was why Loki had such a nice butt? Tony squashed that thought. He needed to focus on trying to thread his other foot into the loosely flopping stirrup.

Loki eyed Sandra as she helped Tony get his feet into the stirrups and hold the reins properly. He hadn't had a formal lesson since learning to control his very first pony as a small child, unless you counted tutoring in mounted combat in the training yards as a slightly older child. He certainly hadn't taken lessons in Midgard before. He knew in theory how it worked though. He shouldn't change gaits or directions or jump anything unless the trainer instructed him to. But how long was she going to leave him walking while she fussed with Tony?

Patience. He needed to be more patient. There were other things he could do to test Blueberry's training at the walk. (Ugh, he wanted to go for a nice long brisk gallop.) He pushed the mare to extend her stride down the long side of the ring, and then collect on the short side. In the corner he brought her to a square halt and tried a turn on the forehand. It took a second try to get it right, but he blamed that on himself for not holding her front end steady enough. She did have to be asked explicitly for everything, after all.

Loki noticed Sandra watching him as he executed a turn on the haunches in the other corner (making certain not to repeat his mistake) to return to traveling in their original direction.

"You have dressage background." She observed.

"I've done a little of everything." He reminded her, "And dressage training is very helpful filming scenes where the horse is supposed to appear spooked or unruly." It was true. He'd created diversions by faking his horse being spooked before.

"Fair enough." She looked at him appreciatively. "You look really good on her, especially for coming off an injury. How do you like her?"

"Nice mover, very responsive, feels decently athletic." He patted her neck, "I definitely see what you meant about having to ask for exactly what I want, but that's not a bad thing."

"Oh yeah, not at all. The kids have been placing well doing lower level eventing on her. If a rider has good technical skills, she will make them look good. You can go ahead and trot if your leg is holding up. The rail is all yours; Tony will be practicing steering in the center here."

Tony gulped. Loki smirked at him and pushed Blueberry into a slow collected sitting trot.


	14. Chapter 14

Bruce was shocked how long it took for the riding lessons to come out. Tony was not his usual talkative self about it. Which, when he thought about it, probably had something to do with the fact that Tony was used to being the best. And he wasn't, not by a long shot, not even in his own lessons. Because Loki would be brilliant, wouldn't he? Asgard was a civilization where horses were a part of daily life, and as a prince, Loki would do more riding and less walking and have horses at his disposal for pleasure riding any time that he liked. In fact, Loki and Thor had probably been given their very own ponies as soon as they could walk. Even recovering from a broken ankle, Loki would be an incredible rider. Tony didn't stand a chance.

The only reason he _had_ found out was that Tony was moving stiffly. He'd done a good job of hiding it, but Bruce had still picked up enough subtle winces and slight hesitations in movement to confront him about it. Faced with the threat of an exam, Tony had confessed to being saddlesore.

Well, at least it seemed to be doing Loki's ankle no harm. If anything, it was good physical therapy. They had to have been riding a week or two by then, and Loki had a spring in his step that suggested he was in minimal if any pain, and good spirits.

They also weren't pranking him as much anymore, which Bruce greatly appreciated. The productive outlet for their energy seemed to be helping balance out the chaos generated by being together. Or they'd taken him semi-seriously when he'd threatened to treat them like children if they insisted on acting the part. Bruce wasn't even sure what he'd meant when he said it, which he suspected they knew. What would he do, put them in time out for pranking him? Spank them? Take away privileges? Withhold dessert? He didn't have the power to do any of those things, especially not in Tony's house.

Bruce shook himself and tried to focus back on the papers that he was grading. The first test was starting to loom, so he wanted to get these handed back quickly. His stomach growled, and he gave it up for the moment. He'd go grab a snack from the kitchen and come back.

Bruce's mind started wandering again as he pulled a container of shrimp and a jar of dip out of the fridge. He hadn't heard much from the rest of the team lately. That was good, wasn't it? There'd been no new crises that warranted their involvement. Still, he didn't have many friends, and they _were_ his friends. Perhaps he should call someone or shoot someone an email, just to catch up and-Ow!

He looked at the container of shrimp properly. Someone had replaced the ready to eat supermarket variety with live ones, and his finger had been either bitten or pinched when he'd put his hand in. Luckily it was nothing more than a small surprising pinch, being shrimp rather than a species with more substantial claws, but a surprise all the same. He wondered for whom the joke had been intended. He rolled his eyes, replaced the containers in the fridge, and fixed himself some cheese and crackers instead.

\-----

Steve allowed himself to slide down the door to sit against it, heart racing. He could hear the voices coming up the stairs and thanked Director Fury's good judgement that his name wasn't on his apartment door. Still, they knew what building he lived in now.

He couldn't believe it. Here he was, Captain America, defender of the free world, an Avenger, and he was hiding from a horde of fans. Ordinary humans.

Okay, there were a lot of them. And they were _vicious_. Wincing, he tried to roll his shoulder and immediately decided that that was a bad idea. He couldn't be certain with the noise of the screaming fans torturing his sensitive ears, but he thought he might have heard something pop as he struggled to free himself and he wasn't sure if it was his shoulder or his favorite jacket tearing. Or both; that was also possible.

God, that was pathetic. After everything he'd done, a crowd of screaming fans, of all things, had succeeded in injuring him.

Of course, in his defense, he hadn't seen it coming. He was happy and prepared to shake hands and take pictures and sign autographs, even if it meant his ice cream would melt before he got it home. A mob tackling him, fighting to touch him, trying to tear his clothes off him for souvenirs, though, _that_ he had not seen coming.

The mob was going up and down the hall, rattling doorknobs and screaming for him to come out. He craned his neck to double-check that he'd locked and deadbolted his door, wincing again as the movement tweaked his shoulder. He had. Not wanting to risk making noise and revealing that his apartment was occupied by getting up to put his groceries away, he leaned back against the door and held the carton of ice cream against his shoulder as he waited for them to give up and move to the next floor.

This was going to be make things very complicated. They might not know _where_ in the building he was, but they knew he _was_ in the building. They would be staking it out, trying to out-wait him, and they had plenty of manpower to do it. Steve wasn't sure what to do now.

Maybe he should give up on trying to live like a normal person. The rest of the team seemed to be doing better with staying out of these sort of scrapes than he was. Tasha and Clint lived on base. Thor lived in Asgard and only came for visits. Tony had his high-security mansion for living in and his tower for business. Bruce had moved in with Tony.

Where should he go, though? Fury would love for him to move onto base, he was sure. But Steve had reservations about that. He wanted an escape when SHIELD got to be overwhelming. He still worked for SHIELD, as did they all, but after Fury's trickery surrounding Agent Coulson's not-death he preferred to not allow himself to be immersed in SHIELD. Thor would love the opportunity to bring a friend home with him, but Steve didn't want to stray so far from home.

He should probably accept Tony's invitation to come live with him. The idea of joining in on the billionaire's lavish lifestyle and tendency to chaos was a little daunting, but it couldn't be too bad. Bruce seemed to be surviving it alright. The more Steve thought about it, the better an idea it seemed. The Stark mansion was well-protected and quiet, except for the things originating within. There were miles of beaches stretching out around it, where he could go for long runs undisturbed if he went out early enough to avoid the beach-goers. He could amuse himself for weeks, months even, just going out on the grounds or up on the roof and drawing or painting things that he could see.

And he'd be with other people who didn't worship him. That decided it. Once the mob in the hallway went away, he was placing a long-distance call to the west coast.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so excited to post this chapter! It's the one that when I was writing this originally about four years ago I wrote out of sequence and spent many chapters setting up to be ready to use it. More at the end. ;)

"…and I think we'll end here for today. Don't forget that you have a test on Monday covering the first three chapters, so please show up rested and on time." The scratching of pencils turned into a dull rumble of voices and scraping chairs as the students packed up. Bruce watched them fondly as he gathered up his transparencies. He really had missed teaching while on the run after his accident.

The excuse to get out and about and away from his housemates' chaos a couple of times a week didn't hurt either. Especially as Tony insisted on lending him one of his fancy cars for the commute. Which was also very calmingly scenic. Bruce would never admit it, but he was enjoying the silly frivolity of getting to drive Tony's sportscars. Yes, he was definitely enjoying his twice-weekly vacations from the insanity of the Stark mansion.

 

They'd gotten into trouble again. Bruce knew it as soon as he walked in. He just knew it. They were sitting much too stiffly, their smiles too fake as they asked about his day. He crossed his arms. "Okay, spill. What did you two maniacs do this time." They looked at each other nervously. Yeah, this one was going to be interesting.

"Well, we have some news." Loki began.

"And it's good news, we swear." Tony added.

"But we're not sure if _you're_ going to think it's good news…"

"And we're kinda worried about shocking you too much…"

Bruce massaged his temples, the glow of a good day at work fading fast. "Just tell me. The suspense isn't doing any of us any favors."

"Well, for starters, I have my magic back." Loki announced.

Bruce relaxed. "Oh, well that's definitely good news. Wait, _for starters_?"

"Yeahhh…" Tony pressed a cup of tea into his hand. It smelled strongly of mint. "It, uh, also turns out that you have a child. Congrats?"

Bruce gripped the edge of the counter and forced his heart rate back down. "I do? But how? Betty? Was Betty pregnant and didn't tell me? Has she been trying to track me down now that I'm not a fugitive anymore?"

"Err. Sorry, but no."

"Some girlfriend from college who wants to extort child support now that I'm famous?"

"No…"

"I'm confused. Who's the mother?"

Loki gulped. "Umm. You are."

" _What_?" He was starting to see green. What the actual fuck? How? This made no sense.

"MOMMY!" Someone squealed.

"ERCPOD, NO!" Loki yelled, lunging at the small figure, which dodged him and tackled Bruce around the knees, knocking him flat on his back.

Well, on one hand he felt in no danger of Hulking out anymore. On the other hand, he was flat on his back with a little bright red creature with fangs and horns and long claw-fingers and a tail sitting on his chest and calling him 'Mommy'. Which was probably _why_ he wasn't in danger of Hulking out. Paternal instinct. Or maternal instinct? Seriously, what the fuck was going on here? This was weird even for _his_ life.

"Umm. Hi? Would you, uh, terribly mind letting Mommy get up?" The creature obligingly scooted down from his chest into his lap, and he gingerly pushed himself up to a seated position. Across the room, Tony and Loki looked some combination of shell-shocked and amused.

"Mommy?" The creature was tugging on his sleeve, "I'm sorry for scaring you. Daddy said not to surprise you, but I was just happy to see you."

"I accept your apology. So, uh, out of curiosity, if I'm your mommy then who's your daddy?" The creature pointed at Loki. Forget Hulking out, Bruce was starting to think he was going to faint. He fixed his sheepish housemates with a glare over the creature's head. "Anyone care to explain just _what_ you two were getting up to while I was teaching today?"

"Wellll…" Tony began, "We were just minding our own business…"

Loki snorted. " _I_ was, _you_ weren't."

\----

**Earlier that day:**

"Why are you snooping in Bruce's lab?" Loki asked from the doorway. "That doesn't seem very polite." 

"Need a thingamajig." Tony extracted himself from the cupboard. "None in here, but maybe there'll be one in his desk." Leaving the pile of things he'd pulled out of the cupboard on the floor, he moved over to the desk. 

"Shouldn't you put that stuff away? He's not going to be happy if you leave his lab looking like one of your experiments hit it." 

"Oh shush." Tony began riffling through the things on the desktop. "Ooh! Hey look, it's papers to be graded. I wonder if his students are as much of nitwits as my classmates were." He flipped through a few that had already been graded and snorted derisively. "Man, he's soft on them. Hey Snape, we should help him out and do his grading for him." 

"Would you quit calling me that? I am _much_ prettier than Snape." Loki retorted, "Or do you want to get an _actual_ curse put on you once my magic comes back?" 

"Shut up and help me here." Tony chucked an empty binder at his boyfriend's head. Loki reflexively threw up a shielding spell, but this time it worked and the binder bounced off it with enough force to hit the opposite wall. Both men stared at it. 

"Whoa…" 

"I have my magic back! Oh my god I have my magic back!" 

"We're going to have such fun now! What should we do first?" 

"How about you clean up the mess you made of Bruce's lab?" 

"What? No! That's no fun!" 

"Neither is he when he gets mad. Here's a compromise: If I try and see if I can, um, how about if I try to enchant his pen to do his grading for him, you have to clean up the mess you made." 

"You can do that? Fine. Deal." 

"Never done precisely _that_ , but there's a spell I might be able to adapt." 

"…And we are always up for experimentation in this house." Tony grinned, "Have at it. I want to see this." 

When the smoke cleared and Loki had pried a very affectionate grading pen demon-gremlin- _thing_ off his legs and Tony had pried the duct tape off his mouth that had magically attached itself when he laughed at Loki's expression at having a small creature clinging to his legs and calling him 'daddy' and the creature had spotted the pile of papers and begun gleefully grading them with ballpoint claws, the two men looked at each other with expressions of shock and horror. 

"Oops?" 

"We're dead." 

"Why are you dead?" The creature picked up the pile of grading and relocated from sitting on the desk to sprawled at their feet like a child with a coloring book. "Did you forget to turn in your homework?" 

"No, it's just, ah, Bruce is going to be upset with us when he gets home and finds we've been doing stuff to his lab." 

"Oh. The guy who used to write with me? Is he my mommy then?" 

" _Yes_." Tony cut in gleefully before Loki could respond, "Yes he is." 

"Okay. But why are you so worried? Mommy is super nice even when students are being stupid." 

"You've never seen him angry. He's really scary when he's angry, and he hates surprises." Loki sat down next to his accidental creation, studying him intently. The creature was about two and a half feet tall with ballpoint horns, ballpoint fangs, long ballpoint claws, a pen cap on the end of his tail, and pure reddish-black eyes with no whites. "Do you have a name, little one?" 

The creature shook his head. "I don't think so." 

Tony whistled and looked up from one of the newly graded papers. "You made these papers _bleed_. I think we should call you the Evil Red Correcting Pen Of Doom." 

"Evil Red Correcting Pen Of Doom..." The creature repeated slowly, trying out the name. 

"That's quite a mouthful," Loki cut them both off, "How about we just call you Ercpod for short?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah. Meet Ercpod. He dates back to when I first started TAing and referred affectionately to my favorite blood-red grading pen as my Evil Red Correcting Pen Of Doom. So there would be sticky notes saying things like "quiz tuesday-remember to pack ERCPOD" on the wall over my desk.


	16. Chapter 16

Bruce looked at his phone, willing himself to hit 'call'. It was great that Steve wanted to move in. Really, it was. He just didn't know how to explain the status of the household to the Captain.

Taking a deep breath, he took the plunge. Sooner or later it had to be done.

Steve picked up on the second ring. "Bruce! Hi! Tony's not reconsidering his offer, is he?"

"No. But, uh, I'm just worried you don't know what you're getting into. How do you feel about keeping secrets from SHIELD?"

Steve thought a moment. He trusted Bruce and Tony. They were good guys. And he more faith in them than SHIELD lately. "Well, I guess it depends. I suppose I trust your judgement if not always Tony's. But I can't really say without knowing what kind of secret."

That was probably as good as they'd get. He tested the water a little more. "We've had a chance to speak to Loki since New York. He was mind-controlled, like what happened to Clint. Remember how Tasha told us about snapping Clint out of it by concussing him? The Other Guy did that to Loki right near the end of the battle."

"You haven't told SHIELD?"

"Do you think there's a snowball's chance in hell of them believing us?"

"No. You're right, they wouldn't. You're certain?" Steve chewed his lip. He didn't like the idea of hiding Loki from SHIELD, but he _really_ didn't like the idea of them treating an innocent man the way that he knew they would treat Loki, so what if Loki _was_ mind-controlled?

"Completely. I don't know if you noticed that he had eyes as electric blue as any of the mind-controlled agents, but that's not his natural color. They're back to green now. Also his personality is totally different, and the Chitauri are very angry about the mind control being broken."

Steve considered that. It made sense, much as he was reluctant to believe it. "I'll defer to your judgement unless given reason to believe otherwise. And why is knowing this a prerequisite to living with you guys?"

"He and Tony are kind of...dating."

Oh god. Leave it to Tony Stark to find a supervillain and insist on keeping him. "You're kidding me."

"No. As I said, I'm not sure it's possible to be quite prepared for living here."

Loki and Tony together was a terrifying prospect, even if Loki was the largely harmless prankster that Thor had always described rather than how he'd been in New York. Still, Bruce seemed to be surviving it just fine. Steve weighed that against physical assault by mobs of fans. His shoulder put in its two cents. "I'll give it a try anyway."

Bruce chuckled, sounding relieved. "You sound desperate."

"I was assaulted by a mob of crazy fans who are now staking out my building, and my food is starting to run out."

To his relief, Bruce didn't tease him. "Then yes. I suppose even living here would be more restful than that."

"How bad is it?"

"Weird rather than dangerous. For all that Loki's influence gets Tony into more mischief, it also makes him less explosive. We're talking buttered floors and having your leftover takeout replaced with live crabs instead of his usual habit of drunkenly blowing things up." Bruce hesitated. He'd have to warn Steve sometime. "Also occasionally accidental creation of life, though I don't think that mistake will be repeated. I've begun teaching again, and Loki attempted to adapt a spell in order to make my pen do my grading for me and accidentally brought it to life instead."

Steve gulped. "Yeah, that's a little weird." A stronger pain went through his shoulder, reminding him of why he needed to move in with them. "Do you mind taking a look at my shoulder when I get there? I think I tweaked it when the fans jumped me."

\----

"So Steve is moving in, and yes, he's aware of the state of affairs here." Bruce announced, calmly handing his bowl of mexican jumping beans to Loki. "Here, I think these must be yours."

Tony grinned gleefully. "Which means that we get to witness his reaction when he discovers that his face is on a new line of women's underwear."

Bruce sighed. "I suppose I should have expected no less from you."

Ercpod climbed into his lap, toting a bowl of what appeared to be unadulterated grape jelly. "Who's Steve?"

"He's a friend of ours, also known as Captain America. Tony's been telling you all about the Avengers, hasn't he?"

"Uh-huh." Ercpod sucked a bit of jelly off one claw. "He's coming to live with us?"

"Maybe he'll let you help re-decorate his shield." Tony suggested innocently.

" _Tony_ ," Bruce admonished, "Stop giving him ideas. I think Steve likes his shield just the way it is."

Loki absent-mindedly magicked a napkin in between Ercpod's bowl of jelly and the white couch. "How's he getting here? If he's coming in on a SHIELD plane, then perhaps Ercpod and I should disappear for the day while he gets dropped off and you check for security breaches."

\----

Steve spun around at the sound of footsteps crossing his apartment. He was alone. Wasn't he? He should be. He would have heard it if someone had broken the door or windows.

"Taxi's here." Loki stepped into his bedroom boredly. "I've been asked to teleport you and your things rather than let SHIELD fly a plane into Tony's back yard."

Steve gaped at him. Loki. In his bedroom. Wearing jeans and a t-shirt. About to teleport him. _Breathe, Steve. Bruce and Tony swear he's not evil anymore..._

Loki rolled his eyes, feigning nonchalance even though a shielding spell tingled at his fingertips. "Oh come off it. I'm not going to bite you."

"Um. Hello. It's polite to knock, you know."

"Hello indeed. You appear to have people camping outside your door. I didn't wish to rouse them."

"Oh. Thank you. Good thinking."

"Are you all packed? Tony is probably giving my son caffeine in my absence, and I'm not sure whether I should be stopping him or observing the results."

"Your- Right. Bruce said something about a grading pen coming to life. I'm almost finished." Steve scrambled to stuff the last of his personal effects into his duffle bag one-handed. He was starting to think he'd done more damage to his shoulder than he'd initially thought. It was just as well that he'd be seeing Bruce a little sooner.

"Yes. His name is Ercpod, short for Evil Red Correcting Pen Of Doom. Tony's idea, of course."

"I wouldn't have imagined you being the parental sort."

"Everyone has the instinct. And I did create him after all." Loki pointed out.

"Stay away from my art supplies." Steve zipped the bag and slung both of his duffle bags over his good shoulder, toeing his small ice chest over to Loki's feet. "All set."


	17. Chapter 17

"Good to see you again, Steve." Bruce went to hug him and then stopped. "How is your shoulder doing? I don't want to hurt you by mistake."

"It hurts." Steve admitted. "I've been avoiding using that arm."

"Come on then." Bruce put a hand on his good shoulder and guided him in the direction of the stairs. "Let me take a look at that before we do anything else."

\----

Loki poked his head into Ercpod's bedroom. His creation was stretched out with a pile of test papers that Loki suspected Bruce didn't know yet that he had.

"You okay on your own for a bit?"

"Yup." Ercpod didn't even look up. "I'm busy."

"Excellent. Tony and I are going to go wreck some havoc. If you need anything, Bruce and Steve are in Bruce's lab, but they're in the middle of patching up Steve's hurt shoulder so I wouldn't bug them unless it's urgent."

" 'Kay, Daddy."

\----

"You're really avoiding moving it." Bruce noted, watching Steve maneuver out of his shirt one-handed. The soldier wasn't wearing an undershirt, which was unusual for him. "Can you tell me anything about how the injury happened? Was it hit? Twisted? Pulled?"

"Pulled and twisted. They were all grabbing at me. I felt something give, and I'm not sure if it was just my jacket or the joint itself as well." Steve winced as Bruce felt around his shoulder. The swelling building around it made it increasingly tender.

"Alright. Let's get some images then. Luckily for you, I had to calibrate all the machines just a few weeks ago to use on Loki."

"He was hurt?"

"Yeah, when Tony found him he was tangled up in a downed tree in the woods in shock with a broken ankle and his magic totally drained." He prodded Steve gently. "Lie back."

\----

"See? Totally boring." Loki raised an eyebrow at Tony. "Just like I said, simple switching spell, no need to go inside."

Tony pouted, but then perked up. "Yeah, but I got to be _invisible_. That was awesome."

"That is true." Loki regarded his boyfriend with amusement. Tony's excitement at having been invisible was kind of adorable. "When do you suppose they'll notice?"

"Hmm. They have to replenish the coffee beans in each breakroom about once a day. So I'd say all the decaf drinkers will be getting caffeine and the caffeine addicts getting decaf within, oh, the next thirty hours maximum? Conservative estimate." Tony guessed. "JARVIS, monitor activity in the storeroom with the coffee at the New York SHIELD base and let us know when anyone fetches coffee beans and where they take them."

\----

Ercpod looked up from the final test paper, considering what to do next. Mommy didn't have any grading left for him to do (he'd checked very thoroughly, as Mommy had taken to hiding the papers from him- something about being too harsh) and everyone was busy. Or at least they had been seven tests ago when Daddy and Tony had left to get into mischief.

Maybe they weren't anymore. He might as well ask. JARVIS liked him well enough. "Hey JARVIS? What's everyone doing right now?"

"Mr Stark and Mr Odinson returned briefly and have now departed for a riding lesson. Dr Banner is currently performing surgery on Captain Rogers' shoulder with my assistance."

"Okay. I'll leave you alone then."

That left Ercpod right back where he started. Staring at the boring white walls of his bedroom, wondering what to do. White like a paper that he hadn't yet graded.

So much white.

Ercpod jumped up. It was his bedroom, wasn't it? He should decorate it. Tony probably had paint someplace.

\----

"Good job today, guys." Sandra sat down on the mounting block, letting them know that their lesson was over. "Luke, you don't look very happy. Are we pushing your leg too hard?"

"No." Loki shook his head. "I just… I miss having my own horse. Blueberry is a sweetheart, but it's not the same. Riding other people's horses for work is one thing, but it's just kind of weird doing it when I'm riding just to ride."

"Are you in the market to buy a horse then?" They could see her mental list of horses that she knew were for sale scrolling before her eyes.

"Maybe." Loki didn't want her becoming too involved, not when he was hoping to steal one of his own horses back. "I'm going to talk to some people I know first, see if any horses I've worked with before and got on well are on the market before I really go looking."


	18. Chapter 18

Invisible and pressed against the wall, Loki waited, heart racing, as he listened to the footsteps of the grooms climbing the stairs to their beds in the loft. Being here was making him very nervous indeed, even though he knew he shouldn't be. He was invisible, cloaked from Heimdall's Sight, and disguised as a commoner should anything happen to the invisibility spell. Which it shouldn't. He was going to be fine. Right? Right.

Halfway down the dimly-lit aisle, he could make out the faint shape of an inky black head, blurred by its halo of long wavy mane, stretching over a stall door towards a broom leaning on the wall. Loki froze, a sound-damping spell tingling at his fingertips. _Damnit Fen! I'm trying to rescue you here!_

But the Fresian stallion's muzzle stopped just inches short of the broom, straining to reach it. Loki breathed a silent sigh of relief. The grooms here were well used to the young stallion's antics; they knew to keep everything that could be knocked over or thrown just out of his reach if they were to get any peace. Loki settled back against the wall to wait for the footsteps above his head to quiet and the grooms to fall asleep.

Hrafn had been the obvious choice to retrieve, of course. Loki was surprised he hadn't seen it sooner. The uncooperative one, energetic and stubborn and able to gallop for miles, but disinclined to go into battle. Even when he'd been being ridden regularly, he had dragged the grooms on a regular basis when they tried to lead him places. He could only have gotten worse now that Loki was no longer there to give him an outlet for his energy. If any horse were going to disappear and become feral after getting loose, it would be him.

And of course, Loki liked him and he liked Loki. Loki had been the one to tame him, and the only one that he somewhat respected. They were a match for one another, and had discovered that they could have a great deal of fun if they worked together instead of against each other. Loki was already daydreaming about long cross-country gallops and introducing Fen to the ocean and maybe even going to some shows so that Fen could have an audience to show off for.

The barn had now been quiet for a good half-hour, so Loki decided that it was safe. The barn doors slid open, their creaking dampened by a spell. Loki bounded up the aisle and clambered over Fen's stall wall. The black stallion snorted in surprise at the soft sound of Loki's boots hitting the wood shavings bedding his stall.

"Shhhhh. Hey Fen. Hey. It's me." Loki pulled back his spells enough to let his horse smell him. "I'm invisible, but it's me. We've done this before. Midnight joyride. C'mon. Just like the old days."

Fen sniffed at him, soft muzzle connecting with Loki's chest and then nosing him all over.

"Yeah, that's it." Loki produced a molasses cookie from his pocket and offered it, one hand on Fen's muscular neck so that the horse could feel where he was. "I missed you too, boy. Here's a peace offering to say I'm sorry for leaving you. You're coming home with me now."

Planting both hands firmly on Fen's back, Loki bounced on the balls of his feet once, twice, three times, and vaulted up and on, narrowly missing knocking his family jewels on Fen's withers and landing slightly less gracefully that he would have liked. Fen tossed his head in protest. Loki winced and rubbed the horse's crest soothingly. He was slightly out of practice at that.

A spell had the latches of all the stall doors popping open in turn from one end of the aisle to the other. Loki wrapped his legs around Fen's barrel and his hands in his long mane, braced himself, and pushed an urge to roam into the minds of all the horses.

Immediately, the horses began nosing doors open and wandering out, some bolting straight for the open barn door and others following them as herd mentality kicked in and they chased after their friends. A fast glance around them as they trotted out the barn door told Loki that nearly all the horses were rapidly exiting the barn for a moonlight romp.

Fen broke into a gallop as he crossed the threshold of the barn and realized that Loki was making no effort to hold him back, the horses closest to him doing the same. Loki nudged him in the direction of the shortest path out of the city and towards the open countryside and flattened himself against the stallion's neck, holding on tight as the pack of galloping horses charged through the city streets, metal shoes kicking up sparks on the cobblestones.

There was no missing that the horses had gotten loose now. The grooms had to have been woken by their departure and any number of the city's inhabitants by the thundering hooves in the streets, but with their head start and the herd having split off in multiple directions throughout the city and the youngest and fastest horses all in the pack with Loki and Fen, the odds were in their favor. If they could get out of the city and out of people's sight, Loki could teleport the two of them and they'd be in the clear. The rest would be rounded up easily enough, especially once the artificial compulsion to roam had worn off, but it would take enough time to locate them all that Fen could and probably _would_ have gotten many miles away by the time the rest were caught had he been truly loose.

Then, of course, there was Heindall. Loki had a trick for him, which he hoped was just cheap enough to work. Luckily the Seer's Sight was not like a Midgardian security camera; his memory could not be rewound and rewatched in search of a detail that had escaped him the first time around. Like keeping track of the precise number of horses that he could see at any moment, so long as he didn't notice the moment that one of them blipped out of his Sight. If Loki could give him a confusing enough scene and time it just right, he could shield Fen from Heimdall's Sight without him noticing the disappearance of a horse.

There was another sizeable group of horses one street over, parallel to them. Loki compelled them to rejoin Fen's group, eying a patch of darkness in the distance ahead of them where two street lamps in a row had gone out and doing his best to time it such that that was roughly where the groups would intersect. He had to get this just right.

Fen resisted him as Loki tried to maneuver to the outside edge of the pack. Loki argued right back. They had to get to the outside edge or this wouldn't work. Heimdall couldn't see a horse-sized hole in the group, and anyone looking out their windows who might potentially give eyewitness accounts couldn't see one horse running separate from the bulk of the pack. The very edge was the only place they could be.

They hit the darkened section of the street at the same time as the other group of horses, and Loki took advantage of the poorly lit chaos to shove Fen where he wanted him and slide the shielding spell into place. Fen pinned his ears at having been put where he didn't want to go, but Loki could deal with his annoyance later. He sent a subset of the new pack of horses off into the side streets and did his best to hold Fen to his place in the pack as the road turned from cobblestones to dirt and the houses along it became increasingly spread out.

The open countryside was a relief as the pack became more strung out and smaller groups branched off, capering across famers' fields. Loki urged Fen in the direction of a wooded area that he knew was over the next hill, several other horses following.

Fen stumbled slightly, unseating Loki with a mighty buck of protest, when the forest floor beneath his hooves abruptly turned to sand. Loki swore and dropped his invisibility spell as he hit the sand on his back and the wind was knocked out of him, but Fen only went a few strides further up the beach before performing a sliding stop and trotting back to nuzzle his fallen rider.

"Yeah, yeah. You got your revenge." Loki grinned and rubbed Fen's face, sitting up. "I deserved that." Fen snorted and moved a few steps away to roll happily in the sand.

They'd done it. They were home safe. Loki flopped back onto the sand, laughing gleefully into the salty night air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hrafn is Old Norse for raven. Not the most creative name for a black horse, but it's a nice name and of the right origins.  
> Fen is more what we would call a Fresian Sporthorse rather than a traditional Fresian, but in my mind Asgard doesn't have that special designation because they're breeding for different traits than modern day Midgard.


	19. Chapter 19

"Loki." Loki buried his head under the pillow, swatting blindly at the hand that was poking him. "Loki? LOKI. WAKE UP."

He groaned and peeked out from under the pillow at his boyfriend. Tony was fully dressed and looked like he was several cups of coffee into his day already. "WHAT."

"Get _up_. It's a bright new day, and SHIELD has been thoroughly dosed with the evil that is decaf coffee, so it's the _perfect_ time to do something crazy to them." Tony bounced on the bed in excitement.

Loki mentally debated turning him into a toad. Just for a few hours of course. "In case you failed to notice, I was gone all night. Meaning, I haven't slept much yet."

"But Loki!" Tony whined, "How can you miss this opportunity?" Loki groaned again and dragged the pillow back over his head. Once the adrenaline of his and Fen's escape had faded, he'd barely made it to bed. A wild high-tension bareback gallop was an exhausting thing, and if it weren't for his magic, he'd probably be saddlesore now.

There was a decidedly un-manly yelp from out the window. Loki sat up abruptly. Right. He'd turned Fen invisible and left him in Tony's yard (conveniently surrounded by a very tall fence) to graze until a reasonable hour to take him over to the barn. From the sound of it, Steve had quite literally stumbled across the invisible horse. Whoops.

Loki jumped out of bed, clothes flying across the room to him by magic. "You're right. I have things to do. I have a horse to get settled in at the barn, and since I'm up anyhow I may as well annoy SHIELD."

\----

Sandra finished spreading a second wheelbarrow load of shavings about the stall and grinned as she surveyed her work. Everything looked ready for the arrival of Luke's new horse. A Friesian, he'd said, that he knew from his stint as a medieval re-enactor. Big black and majestic. That seemed fitting for Luke; he had a certain poise that made her think he would have been absolutely magnificent playing a knight or a king.

She was really happy for Luke. He was a nice man and very good with the horses, and he deserved a horse of his own. Especially when he was still recently injured. An injury that could well have ended up career-ending must have been a blow to his confidence, even if he didn't talk about it. The fact that he _didn't_ talk about it was evidence enough. But now he had a horse all of his own and more freedom to ride at will and do what he needed to regain his fitness and confidence. And not be held back so much by Tony, sweet though it was that he was keeping him company in his lessons.

The new horse's stall ready to go, Sandra surveyed the barn, making a mental list of things that needed doing. Jumps needed taking down in the indoor, for one, and ponies needed grooming. She had a group lesson of young children coming in in about an hour, and she would need a lot of help to get them all ready and on.

But where were her helpers? The high schoolers who helped around the barn in exchange for rides had all disappeared. Right then. First place to check was the lounge.

"Hey! Kids! Ponies to tack up!"

"Shh!" One of the teenagers shushed her, "We're watching the news!"

"Sure you are. Sounds like a movie to me." Sandra crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow.

"No, really!" Another protested, "That supervillain that attacked New York is doing it again! Well, they think he is, anyway. It's really crazy, and people keep claiming to have seen him!"

Disbelievingly, Sandra moved to where she could see the TV. It appeared that the teens were telling the truth. New York was a zoo. There were random bursts of fireworks, or something resembling them, lighting up the sky as purple animals with orange spots about the size and shape of deer ran through the streets. There were sightings of a green and gold caped figure being reported near the sites of the fireworks, but all attempts to catch or get close to him were failing.

Sandra was jolted out of her astonished trance by the sound of a horse trailer coming up the drive. "That'll be Luke with his horse. Come on, go get those ponies ready. You can catch up on whatever's going on on the internet later. It's on the other side of the country; there's no imminent threat to us."

The trailer was just pulling out of the parking lot as Sandra exited the barn, leaving Luke standing there with his horse prancing on the lead and his tack trunk sitting on the lawn.

"Seems in an awful hurry." She commented.

Loki shot a dirty look down the driveway, dropping the illusion of the trailer as soon as it had passed out of sight behind the trees. "Clearly. I'm not hiring him again. Nothing but rude and rushed the whole time." It was a relief to have one less illusion to maintain; there were several illusions of him in full armor in the middle of the chaos in New York City and he wasn't sure how much longer he could hold them all. Long enough for him to be seen at the barn at the same time as they were on TV as being in New York was all he needed. Just to make sure nobody got suspicious.

"Hi handsome." Sandra cooed, holding out her hands for Fen to smell. "I've got a stall all ready for him, Luke. About halfway down the aisle, no name plate on it. Why don't you get him settled in? I'll take your trunk to the boarders' tack room for you."

Loki smiled gratefully. "Thanks. I better get him out of these shipping boots; I'm getting the distinct impression that he objects to them." Fen was in fact objecting to the unfamiliar garments, but mostly Loki just wanted a few moments of peace to attend to his illusionary dopplegangers.

\----

Phil Coulson wasn't sure whether to swear or laugh somewhat hysterically as he passed out stimulants to his agents. Loki was back, at least theoretically. Nobody had gotten a very close look. He wasn't being actually destructive though, just irritating. Seemingly.

Phil certainly couldn't imagine how this could have been done without magic, which suggested it really was Loki. That the entirety of SHIELD's coffee supply had been switched for decaf on the same day as everything went to weird acid-trippy hell (and it wasn't drugs, or at least not anything that they were able to test for, and SHIELD could test for _everything_ ) couldn't possibly be a coincidence.

Still, it was oddly harmless. It was either a prank or a distraction, and Phil didn't know which way to lean. Not that it mattered. They had to treat it as a potential attack, and with Director Fury's recent foul mood there was no sense arguing that it wasn't a direct attack. Phil couldn't wait for maintenance to finish de-stinking Fury's office so that he'd move out of the temporary space. Right next to Phil's own office.

"Boss?" His com crackled to life.

Phil eyed the stronger stuff that he had been giving the field agents wistfully before knocking back a plain old caffeine tablet and answering. "What is it Agent Barton?"

"Got a look at the creatures, boss. I don't think they're aliens." Clint was fighting laughter.

Phil had suspected as much, but Clint had the best vision in SHIELD, especially at a distance, so Phil was glad of the confirmation. "Go on."

"They're deer. I'm pretty sure they're a bunch of ordinary whitetail deer that someone turned colors and released in the city to fuck with us."

...Yup. That had either Giant Prank or Giant Diversion written all over it. "Tranq dart one for the scientists to confirm it."

There was a pause. "Got one. Can I get a vehicle to my location to pick it up?"

Phil looked at his computer screen. "Stephens, go retrieve the specimen. I need to update Director Fury now, so radio silence unless you have something important to report."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to go with yes, he did succeed in getting on their nerves...


	20. Chapter 20

"Hey." Steve looked up from his book with a start, still not quite accustomed to sharing a house with Loki.

"Uh, hi."

"How's your shoulder doing? I kind of expected you to be fully healed by now." Loki looked unsure of himself. "I mean, if you don't mind my asking."

"Doing better. Normally it would be, but I'm now healing from recent surgery as well as the original injury. I don't know if Bruce told you, but it was healing with stuff out of alignment, which is why it was troubling me so much when I got here."

Loki shook his head, settling on the couch. "No, he's really good about patient confidentiality. He doesn't tell us anything about each other's health unless he deems it absolutely necessary."

Steve noted the amused quirk of Loki's eyebrow. "So what you're saying is Tony has blown himself up in his lab far more times than we've actually found out about."

Loki snickered. "Oh I don't doubt it. With no help from me, I might add."

"Really doesn't need the help, does he?"

"Nope." Loki rolled his eyes. "I'm torn between putting protective spells on his lab to keep him safe, and not putting spells on for fear that he'll get cocky if his more dangerous experiments _don't_ injure him and try them on a larger scale in an environment that I haven't spelled for safety."

"And if he knows you've put protective spells on his lab, he'll get offended." Steve guessed.

"Indeed." Loki agreed. "Annoying people is one thing, offending them is another. Especially when it potentially results in me not getting laid."

Steve was saved from trying to figure out how to respond to that when Ercpod showed up.

"Daddy? I'm all out of spruce green, butterfly purple, and sunset pink paint. We need to go get more."

"Sure, little one. Wait. Paint? What are you up to?"

Ercpod gave him a look like he was stupid. "I'm redecorating my room, of course. Also it's tasty and I'm hungry."

Steve spluttered in horror. Loki just nodded. "Okay. Did you ask Tony's permission to paint the room? It is his house, after all."

"No..."

"Go ask him, and then we'll go shopping."

Ercpod skipped out of the room happily, and Steve rounded on Loki. "You _let_ your son eat _paint_?"

Loki shrugged. "Yeah. He's not exactly human, if you didn't notice. He was made from a _pen_. His diet consists of paint, ink, jelly, anything that would stain, really. Where'd you think the ink in his claws was coming from?"

\----

Steve was enjoying the outing more than he expected to. He'd been highly skeptical of the idea of going shopping with Loki the God of Mischief who happened to be on the Most Wanted list and a very alien-looking creature that used to be a grading pen, but Loki had put spells on all of them to change their appearances, and Steve was actually having fun. It was nice to go out in public without being swarmed. He hadn't had much of a chance to experience modern life yet.

Sure, there had been a joke or two, but nothing bad. Nothing that compared with the incident with the purple and orange deer in New York (Steve really had to ask about that one when they got home), or even the invisible horse in the backyard (which Loki was still claiming was a complete accident). The worst that Loki had done was change the décor of one of the men's restrooms in the mall to look like they had stepped into a women's room, leading several men to step back outside hurriedly to double-check the sign.

Loki had even somewhat succeeded where Tony had failed so many times and updated Steve's wardrobe a bit. It wasn't exactly modern, but there were a few graphic t-shirts in a bag in the car. The idea of walking around in a t-shirt with no shirt over it made Steve feel sort of...naked, but everyone else seemed to do it these days.

"You look like you're getting tired of shopping." Loki observed, "One more store, then we'll leave. I promise. Tony wouldn't let me go in Hot Topic last time, and their displays looked like things I'd wear."

"Yeah, no worries." Steve was in fact getting a little tired of it, but he wasn't about to deny Loki the chance to buy some things for himself. "I really appreciate you disguising me and getting me out of the house and helping me find some new clothes. Since the incident I suppose I may have been starting to get a little agoraphobic."

Loki was right; Hot Topic was full of the sort of thing that wouldn't be out of place on the God of Mischief. Steve didn't share his fashion sense, but he could see the appeal for Loki.

There was a display of Avengers merchandise near the door. Steve idly browsed through it as he waited, until the child that was actually Ercpod started tugging on his pantleg.

"Hey. What's up buddy?" Even though he knew in the back of his mind that he was talking to a magically animated pen-creature with a destructive streak, Steve couldn't help but talk to Ercpod like a real child, especially when Loki spelled him to look so darn cute.

Ercpod was grinning gleefully, which in retrospect really ought to have tipped him off. "Look what I found!"

Steve accepted the small piece of cloth from him, an inexplicable dread tickling the back corners of his consciousness. He looked down at it and flailed, flinging it away from him and jumping back, overturning a display in the process.

It was underpants. Women's underpants. Extremely skimpy women's underpants. Extremely skimpy women's underpants with his face printed on the crotch. Oh god. Oh god. This couldn't be happening. This was so wrong, on so many levels.

Loki was there in a flash, as was the rest of the store. "What happened here?"

Ercpod pointed at the stack of underpants from the display, now strewn across the floor, giggling too hard to talk.

"Ah." Loki left an illusionary double standing in the crowd and set off in search of the computer linked to the security cameras, armed with a flashdrive. Tony would be insufferable for days if he didn't get to see that footage.


	21. Chapter 21

"Let's try that again, Tony, and this time don't pick your reins back up until _after_ the groundpole." Sandra instructed patiently. "You're just fine, and you don't need your reins to balance; that's what this lesson is about."

Loki sat back, rubbing Fen's neck idly, as he watched his boyfriend try again and, again, chicken out and grab for his reins right before the groundpole. Their lesson that day was together with a group of children, which made for Tony being subjected to a great deal more "skills games", such as the "airplane over the poles" with which he was currently struggling, than usual. Also the children were a little more advanced than Tony, which Loki found amusing.

"This is ridiculous." Tony grumbled as he brought Candy to a halt next to Loki and Fen. "I've never seen a real rider do something like this."

"Really now?" Loki quirked an eyebrow. The temptation to be a showoff was overwhelming. Ah, fuck it. He turned toward Sandra and raised his voice a little. "May I have a moment to give a little demonstration?"

Sandra giving him a funny look, clearing wondering why he was dignifying Tony's whining with a response. "Sure?"

"Thank you." Loki half-bowed to Sandra, smirked at Tony, knotted his reins across Fen's neck, and nudged him forward into a trot, steering entirely with his legs. The benefits of a trained warhorse included extremely sensitive hands-free steering and uncommon nimbleness for the size of the horse. Loki was going to take full advantage of that to make Tony eat his words.

They circled at the end of the ring, picking up a canter halfway through. Loki eyed the jumps that hadn't been taken down prior to the beginner lesson, picking a sizable gate on the diagonal at random and pointing Fen at it. Fen took it in stride, bounding over lightly with pricked ears, Loki smoothly moving with him, motionless above the waist. He sent Fen at a gymnastic set up down the center of the ring with a shift of his weight, and immediately did a rollback to the oxer next to it, which he turned into a bending line over a rolltop. Mentally cheering, he sat back and used his seat to bring Fen down to a trot, then a walk, before picking his reins back up.

Tony and Sandra were both gaping at him, and the children cheering. Loki half-bowed again.

"That was impressive!" Sandra exclaimed. "I've never seen something like that, not in person!"

Loki ducked his head as if bashful. "Stunt rider."

"If I ever doubted it, which I didn't, I sure don't now!"

"That was hot." Tony opined. Loki winked at him salaciously. Fen took advantage of his rider's guard being down to snake his head around and bite Loki's calf.

Sandra regained teaching mode. "Okay kids, what can you tell me about what Luke was doing there? How would you describe his position?"

"Still?"

"Upright!"

"And his center of balance? Tony?"

"Directly over Fen's center of balance." Tony answered meekly. As an engineer, the importance of doing so should have been instinctive. He suddenly understood what the exercise was supposed to be teaching.

"Exactly. Can anyone tell me what he uses to help himself stay over..." The teaching moment was cut off by a loud thud.

Everyone spun to the sound. One of the children who had been out of Sandra's line of sight had slipped away to try to jump one of the fences that Loki had made look so easy and fallen off when Finch, a good four hands shorter than Fen, refused the large jump. Loki bounded out of the saddle and caught the loose pony while Sandra dealt with the child.

Sandra sighed mentally even as she put a comforting arm around the crying but apparently uninjured little girl. Maybe she should make Luke wear a sign identifying him as a professional and not to be emulated by amateurs. (Though really, none of these kids had ever jumped so much as a crossrail, so she certainly hadn't foreseen one of them attempting a 3'6" gate simply because they'd seen someone else do it.)

"Luke? Tony?" She called to them, "I'm terribly sorry, to you mind keeping an eye on the kids while they untack and wait for their parents? Meg wants to go home instead of getting back on, so I need to try and get ahold of her mom."

"No problem." Loki walked over with Fen and Finch on either side of him. "Want me to leave the pony with you in case she changes her mind?" Sandra eyed the placid little gelding currently ignoring Fen chewing on his crest, and held out a hand for the reins. "Cool." Loki handed him over and headed for the barn. "Come on kids, lesson's over. Let's get your ponies put away."

"You lot are done early." Derrick grumbled from the next stall over as Loki hastily pulled off Fen's tack before going to see if the children in the aisle needed help.

"Yeah, kid fell off and Sandra needed to deal with her." Loki explained, leaning over the wall between the stalls. The gruff older man was putting standing wraps on Marauder. "Taking him someplace?"

"Giving a roping clinic tomorrow. My trailer broke down, but I got a buddy coming to haul him over for me sometime this afternoon." He glared at the horde of children and ponies in the aisle. "Hoped to get him ready for pickup and get back to my day job before all the dang kids got back."

"Have fun with the clinic." Loki knew better than to take Derrick too seriously by now. He came off as an intimidating bear of a man, but Loki knew he wouldn't actually hurt a fly. "Speaking of the kids, though, I gotta get back to them. Me and Tony are supposed to be babysitting so Sandra can concentrate on dealing with the girl that fell off and her parents."

Derrick snorted. "Parents. In my day, when you fell off, your parents were yelling at you to get back on, not coddling you."

Loki looked over the barn with a practiced eye. Ponies were in their stalls, Tony was finishing putting away the last few saddles for which there weren't enough racks within the children's reach, and the children were just finishing sweeping up where they'd groomed the ponies. In a minute, he'd need a way to entertain them until their parents arrived.

Down the aisle from him, Marauder had his head over his door, straining to reach a bag of carrots that some child had left lying around. That gave Loki an idea. He looked out the barn doors to check that Derrick's pickup truck was no longer in the driveway. A brilliant mischievous idea.

"Hey kids, want something to do while you wait for your parents?" They nodded eagerly. "Do you know how to put standing wraps on a horse?" A smattering of nods. "Okay, well, Marauder is travelling this afternoon and needs to wear them, so why don't you practice on him?" He handed a neon pink set to the girl at the front of the group. "Don't forget to delegate somebody to hold his head while you work."

Tony joined him a minute later in watching from across the aisle. "You're really good with them. Wait. Isn't that that really grouchy macho-man's horse?"

"Yep."

"You suggested that they put hot pink wraps on him."

"Somebody's picking him up soon, and Derrick went back to work. He won't find out until tomorrow when he arrives to give his clinic."

Tony snickered. "I'm assuming you're very much aware how badly hot pink clashes on a chestnut horse?"

Loki grinned at him. "Isn't it beautiful?"

A child ran over to them. "Hey Luke?"

"Hey, no running in the barn, Squirt. What's up?"

"Sorry. Can we make him pretty and braid ribbons in his mane, too?" She gave him bambi eyes. "Pretty please with a cherry on top?"

"Absolutely." Loki and Tony chorused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That exercise is real and a favorite of mine. Which isn't to say I didn't hate my instructor for it when I was first introduced to it! It's scary at first, riding without reins, and I started out doing it at a canter over jump courses like Loki rather than single ground poles at a trot like Tony and the kids. I was allowed to use my reins in between jumps, because my horse was not trained for hands-free riding in battle like Fen, but there were ground poles a stride or two out from the jumps on either side and while between the poles my hands were not allowed to touch anything but my own body.
> 
> I had originally intended to have more of the chapter be mischief and the riding stuff just be a brief bit to explain how they ended up watching the kids, but...I like it this way. There's not realistically going to be a whole lot of time before the parents show up since the lesson was past the warmup stage to the exercises stage when it ended, and I feel like transitioning to another prank would have felt kinda forced anyway.


	22. Chapter 22

Steve was annoyed. There wasn't much that annoyed him, despite what his teammates might say about his (alleged) inability to accept that sometimes the world wasn't fair, but he was annoyed. He'd spent the morning in the gym, working out and doing some (comparatively) light exercises with his rapidly-healing shoulder. After a hot shower, shoulder aching just enough but not too much, it had seemed like a good time to go up on the roof and try to draw the ocean.

Only problem was, he couldn't find his art supplies. Any of them. Well, he could find his sketch pads and canvases and easel, but no pencils or pens or paints or anything of the sort.

Had he somehow forgotten to pack them? With his injured shoulder, he hadn't felt up to a whole lot of unpacking, so the bag with his art supplies had been sitting in a corner of the living room since his arrival and this was the first time that he'd dug out more than his one favorite sketchpad. He wasn't even sure he'd pulled out his own drawing supplies before; he'd done at least one sketch with a random ballpoint pen he'd picked up off the coffee table, and he couldn't remember what the others since his arrival had been with.

Either he'd forgotten to pack them, or someone had taken them. That bag was now completely emptied onto the floor, and he'd found nothing. Even his paintbrushes were there. But no paint, no pencils, no pens, no markers. Nothing.

No, wait. A single marker. Steve uncapped it and tested it on a corner of a piece of paper. It made no mark. Steve didn't recall any of his markers being close to used up, but this was bone dry. There was no way he wouldn't have noticed it drying up before it got to this point.

Maybe he'd left the cap loose and it was just dehydrated? Of course that still didn't explain the missing ones, but he might as well _try_ dampening it.

As he walked into the kitchen, Steve spotted a jar of jam sitting out. He rolled his eyes. ERCPOD and his bowls of jam.

Wait. He stopped in his tracks. ERCPOD. ERCPOD and his weird eating habits. Like paint. And probably pencils and pens and markers. He looked closer at the tip of the marker. It didn't look dried out. It looked more like something had sucked all the ink out of it.

That little shit.

\----

Clint balled up the report from medical and threw it at the wall. A month off from field work? They could kiss his ass. So what if he'd gotten poisoned? He'd finished the job and been given the antidote on the plane home and been completely and totally fine by the time they landed. This taking it easy in case complications develop thing was utter bullshit. They'd probably restrict his access to the shooting range on base, too, to try and make him "rest."

If SHIELD was going to try and bore him to death, he'd just have to find something else to do for the next month. Pity it was happening now of all times, right after the apparent reappearance of Loki. Things were sure to get interesting.

Of course, he could always do a little investigating of his own. He wasn't entirely convinced the Trickster was back, and the single incident that had occurred hadn't been destructive or anything. It'd been a prank. Which did point to Loki. A giant, annoying, confusing, but ultimately harmless prank that did not appear to have even been a diversion for something else. Which would indicate that Loki had returned to being the relatively harmless troublemaker of myth and Thor's stories.

Which meant, what the hell was going on? The curiosity was killing him.

If the curiosity was killing him, then the same was probably true of the other Avengers. And he definitely needed something to do with himself for the next month. That sounded like a good plan.

Who to call first though? Nat was on a mission god-knows-where. Thor was in Asgard. Bruce would probably side with medical if he found out (so Clint would have to make sure he didn't), Steve would probably want to play by the rules (boring), but Tony would be in. That was perfect. Tony hated mysteries. Loki's apparent reappearance had to be driving him crazy.

Clint grinned and picked up his phone. Time to find someplace that wasn't bugged and call Tony.

\----

"Call from Agent Barton." JARVIS announced as the car turned out of the barn driveway.

Loki mimed zipping his lips. Tony nodded thanks. "Okay, put him through."

"Hey Tony! Guess what? SHIELD is insisting I take a vacation. I bet that little incident in New York has you all curious. Wanna play detectives?"

Tony and Loki traded a look. "Um. You mean-?"

"The supposed reappearance of Loki, yeah. It's _weird_. Therefore, knowing you, it must be driving you _nuts_."

Tony sighed. "I suppose SHIELD is listening in on this call, trying to figure out if I know anything, or rather whether I've been hacking into their system to see what _they_ know?"

"No. I've got that anti-bugging software on my personal phone that you gave me, remember? Also I'm not even at SHIELD. I'm up a tree half an hour's hike up some trail." He shook a branch, causing a clump of leaves by his head to rustle. "Hear that? Anyway, I don't want them knowing I'm going snooping behind their backs either."

"JARVIS, check that it's working. No offense, Feathers, but SHIELD will be SHIELD."

"Understood."

"Defenses tested and intact, sir." JARVIS confirmed.

"Excellent. Out of curiosity, what would you do if he _was_ back?"

Clint leaned back against the tree trunk. "I dunno. Before that thing last week, I would have said shoot him on sight. But if that was him, he's not being evil and destructive anymore, he's just being the little brother that Thor tells stories about. And that's weird. Why the change? Why the change in the first place, and why the change back? It's a mystery. I don't like mysteries."

Tony and Loki traded another look. "What if..." Tony ventured, "What if he was mind-controlled too? What if someone used the Glowstick of Doom on him before they gave it to him to use on other people? It took knocking you out to snap you out of it. He got knocked out too, at the end, and he didn't try to attack us when he came around."

Clint winced at the reminder. "I... Hadn't thought of that. But how would we know?"

"Eyes. Everyone under the influence of that thing had neon blue eyes, including him. If you were to run into him, and he had been mind-controlled, what would you do?"

"Observe very cautiously and make my own-Oh my god." Clint sat bolt upright, almost falling out of his tree. "This isn't hypothetical. You already know the answers. That's why you're not champing at the bit to go investigate and find him. You already _did_ find him. How?"

"I do know the answers." Tony admitted. "He _was_ mind-controlled. The guy doing it was very unhappy to have his control broken. Kidnapped him back from Asgard, drained his magic, dumped him on Earth to either die in the woods or be found and killed by the people he'd attacked while mind-controlled. I found him."

"But if his magic was drained-"

"He's had time to recover."

"Does anyone else know?"

"Bruce and Steve. Oh, and his son."

"Right. And, last week was the only chaos he's caused?" Clint rubbed his temples. Life was getting stranger by the second. "And, he's got a kid? On Earth?"

"There have been lots of minor pranks. Last week was actually my idea." Tony bragged. Loki narrowed his eyes at his boyfriend. "He's harmless. Apart from accidental production of children, maybe."

"He knocked up some girl?"

"No." Tony laughed. "Better."

"...He knocked up a man?"

"Closer." Tony informed him gleefully. Loki glared at him.

"Someone knocked _him_ up?" Clint had heard the legends of course, but this was entirely a different thing having it happen in real life. On the other end he heard a phone go off. "Wait. Who's with you?"

Loki and Tony both sighed. Loki took a deep breath. "Hello Agent Barton. Yes, I was mind-controlled. Yes, I'm extremely sorry about everything that happened during that period of time. Yes, I've been present for the entirety of this conversation. I'd be happy to answer questions later, but I need to take this call." He picked up his cell phone. "Hi Steve, what's up?"

"Your son ate my art supplies!"


	23. Chapter 23

Clint resettled his pack on his back and started the trek up the road to Tony's mansion from the public beach where he'd had the taxi drop him, apprehension building in the pit of his stomach. He had to be out of his mind. Why hadn't he just reported Loki's whereabouts to SHIELD like a good little agent?

On the other hand, that thought was awfully hypocritical. He wasn't being held accountable for the things he did while mind-controlled, and (supposedly) Loki had been mind-controlled too. The incident with the purple deer and fireworks in New York hadn't been evil, although switching the SHIELD coffee supply with decaf bordered on it in a figurative sense. Maybe he had been mind-controlled. And living in Tony's mansion with him and Bruce and Steve and Loki's mysterious son seemed pretty domestic for an evil genius.

Whatever else happened, Clint was quite sure he'd be getting his wish for an adventure to keep him busy for the next month. The corner of his mouth twitched in a sly smile. It was with good reason that he hadn't told them when he'd actually be arriving; catching them off guard would be more informative for him.

Trained agent or not, Clint still twitched when he spotted a little red demon-thing (horns, fangs, tail, claws, and all) sitting above him in a tree.

Watching him.

Dear god.

The demon cocked its head curiously. "Are you Clint?"

"Yes." Clint tried to keep his composure. "Who are you?"

"I'm Ercpod. I live here with my Mommy and Daddy and Daddy's boyfriend and their friend and a bunch of robots."

Of course this would be Loki's son. It just figured. Clint tried not to think about who the mother might be (and how) or the implication that Loki was dating one of the Avengers in addition to having had a child with another of them. "Nice to meet you Ercpod. What are you doing up in a tree?"

"Hiding from Steve."

Clint remembered the snippet of Loki and Steve's phone conversation that he'd overheard while talking to Tony. "I hear you ate his art supplies, huh?"

Ercpod nodded, pouting. "He left them just sitting there for ages! How was I s'posta know he still wanted them?"

"Um." Clint searched for words, "Have you told him why you were confused?" Ercpod shook his head. "Why don't we go in together and you can talk to him?"

Ercpod shook his head rapidly. "Nuh-uh. Not 'til he stops being so angry."

Clint did his best to keep a straight face. A little demon acting like a small child. This was hysterically weird. "Okay. Well, I'm going to go in then. I'm sure he's not as mad as you think he is."

Okay, here went nothing. Clint reached for the door handle. He'd survived his first odd encounter of this trip, he could do this. Right?

SPLAT

FWUMP

Clint jumped back and spluttered, sneezing. A very large quantity of thick sticky white stuff had fallen on him, followed by a heavy flurry of something light that tickled his nose. He looked down at himself. Feathers. Fucking feathers. He looked up. The window above him was still open. He, a master spy, had just been tarred and feathered. Okay, not tar, glue, which was certainly preferable to tar, but still. Tarred and feathered.

Clearly his arrival had not been as unexpected as he'd hoped. Or somebody had far too much time on their hands and could afford to sit around by the window all day waiting for him with a bucket of glue and a sack of feathers.

…Or a good security system controlled by an AI to alert them to his arrival. Yeah. In retrospect, that was probably it.

Loki stepped out of the basement door into the hallway ahead of Clint, a pair of riding boots in one hand and a shoe polishing kit in the other. "Welcome to the madhouse, Agent Barton." He looked Clint over with a quirked eyebrow. "What in the world happened to you?"

Clint looked down at his feather-covered self and scowled. " _Some_ body tarred and feathered me on my way in. It's good to see _you_ coming from _down_ stairs."

"That appears to be glue rather than tar." Loki commented mildly, casting another glance over the disgruntled archer.

"Yeah, no shit Sherlock." Clint snapped.

Loki didn't dignify his tone of voice with a reaction. "You'll be pleased to know that all the bedrooms here have en-suite bathrooms. Unless of course you enjoy the sensation of glue on your skin and hair."

Clint glared.

JARVIS cut in then. "Would you like me to guide you to your room, Agent Barton?"

\----

Steve showed up, damp from his own post-workout shower, just as Clint emerged from getting the glue and feathers off himself. "Clint! JARVIS told me you'd arrived. Why didn't you tell us when you were getting here? Someone could have picked you up at the airport!"

"Wanted to surprise you guys. Bit of a weird living situation here. I wanted to get a look with everyone's guard down."

"Oh, you're worried that we're under Loki's control or something. No. He's totally different." Steve sat down on the edge of Clint's bed. "Life here is really strange, and there are pranks all the time, but everything seems harmless. He actually seems like a decent guy, as odd as that is."

"Yeah. That's odd." Clint agreed. "The kid seems cute in an insanely creepy way."

Steve rolled his eyes. "That's a good description. Considering he was created by Loki accidentally bringing one of Bruce's grading pens- he's teaching at one of the local universities now by the way- to life, I suppose that's pretty much what's to be expected. Cute in a creepy way, and a bit destructive."

Clint snickered. "Mad about your art supplies still?"

"Yes. Why, do you think I'm holding a grudge too long?" Steve looked horrified at the thought that he might be being unfair.

"Nah. Just, y'know, hear the kid's side of the story before you work yourself up too much." Clint paused, the wheels turning in his head. If Ercpod came from Bruce's grading pen, then Bruce must be the mother. Which meant that either Steve or Tony was dating Loki. And based on them being together when he called, and the way Steve talked about Loki, his money was on it being Tony. Which made far too much sense. "So, um, I got the impression that Loki is in a relationship with someone here?"

Steve nodded. "Yup. Him and Tony. Scares me a little, the two of them putting their heads together, but according to Bruce, there are actually fewer explosions with Loki around than before. I think the worst damage that happened to the house was Loki inviting the clumsiest and least intelligent robot to help him cook and the robot accidentally flooding the pantry, and I'm only hearing about that second-hand."

"That is incredibly tame." Clint agreed.

"You're still wary of him though?"

"Well, duh."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clint's line about "good to see _you_ coming from _down_ stairs" is a reference to a Calvin and Hobbes strip. Basically, Calvin gets creamed with a snowball, comes in, sees Hobbes on the couch with a comic book, and comments "it's good to see _you_ _in_ side", with the last panel being Hobbes grinning behind his comic book and thinking "it's handy not to have a coat and boots to take off." So, is Loki the culprit? Maybe, maybe not. Let's not forget the guy can teleport.


	24. Chapter 24

"Mommy, can I go to work with you today?"

Bruce looked down at the little creature tugging on his pantleg. "I don't know about that, Ercpod. I'm going to be teaching a class. I won't be available to entertain you."

"I'll find something to do. Please? Steve's freaking me out."

Oh for the love of... Bruce sighed. "And how exactly is Steve freaking you out?"

"He went from furious at me to being bizarrely nice to me for no reason. It's freaking me out. Please, Mommy? I promise I'll be good."

Bruce looked at his watch. He needed to get going quickly. "Fine. Tell you what, if you can find Loki and get him to make you look human and get down to the garage before I leave for work, you can come with me."

To Ercpod's delight and Bruce's sinking stomach, Loki was in the garage himself, he and Tony on their way to do something. The sinking feeling in Bruce's stomach was as much anticipation of what Tony and Loki might be up to as the idea of taking their grading-pen-gremlin-child to work with him. Neither was likely to end well.

Actually, he should probably count his blessings. Ercpod would be easier to keep out of trouble than those two.

...Knock on wood.

\----

Yes. Yes, this was his lucky day. There was an idle grad student to leave in charge of Ercpod while he lectured. Which seemed like a terrible idea, but it scared Bruce marginally less than letting the little gremlin run amok. Especially now that he looked like a human child. Yeah, no. Ercpod couldn't be left without a babysitter while disguised as a human child.

"Hey Cole, what are you doing right now?"

Cole nearly fell out of his seat, awkwardly stuffing his comic book out of sight in his backpack. (Bruce suspected it was Avengers-themed. He didn't know Cole all that well and the younger man always seemed flustered around him, but his advisor spoke highly of him.) "Good morning Doctor Banner! I-I'm waiting on an experiment I've got running."

"Relax. I'm not getting on your case. I would like you ask a favor of you though." Bruce caught Ercpod by the back of his t-shirt as his child tried to make a beeline for the nearest lab.

"Yes! Of course. What can I do for you?"

"Do you mind babysitting for a couple hours? I have a class to teach, and I don't know if Eric here can sit through the whole thing without getting bored and getting into mischief."

"Of course. We'll have lots of fun, won't we squirt?"

"Yup!" Ercpod nodded enthusiastically.

Bruce tried to ignore his feeling of dread. "Thank you Cole." He fixed Ercpod with his sternest look. " _Behave_."

\----

Getting enough privacy to properly snoop was proving harder than Clint anticipated. Bruce and Ercpod were at the university. Tony and Loki were out at a horseback riding lesson, of all things. (Huh? Seriously? Clint wasn't quite sure he believed that story. He was dying to know what they _really_ were doing, but at the same time he suspected it was best he had no foreknowledge of whatever chaos they were about to wreck. Right? ...Okay, fine. The suspense was killing him. That would be next on his list of things to find out.) That meant that it was just Steve that he had to dodge. Easy, right?

Apparently not. Steve was like a frickin puppy. Clint tried to go down to the basement room that they had converted into a shooting range, with the intention of slipping into the vents and leaving Steve to think he was practicing, or, if Steve actually checked the range, showering post-practice. Steve followed him to do some target practice too. Clint tried to go out for a run and double back around. Steve decided that a run sounded good and joined him. Clint fibbed that he needed to go lie down for a bit. Steve got worried about him being tired in the middle of the day and tried to get him to go down to the med bay so JARVIS could scan him.

Eventually, Clint persuaded Steve to let him alone for a bit. ("No, really, it's just a little residual jetlag. I forgot to pack the jetlag pills SHIELD gives me. I promise I'll get checked out if it continues. Promise. Really. I'm fine.") He was sweaty and had much less time to snoop without other people underfoot than he had planned, but he had his privacy.

Loki's bedroom was surprisingly sparse. The bed looked like it hadn't been slept in in weeks. The bathroom had no toiletries in it. There wasn't even a glass of water on the nightstand. In fact, the pair of crutches leaning in one corner and the clothes in the closet were the only indications that the room even had an occupant.

Okay, lack of use of the bed or bathroom meant Loki slept in Tony's bed on a nightly basis. Clint mentally shuddered. Tony and Loki! Relationship! That was just...disturbing. It wasn't that they were both men (Clint was sure Loki could make himself a woman for a night if they wanted to spice up their sex life, but he was trying not to think about their sex life) because Clint was more than fine with that. Heck, he'd been with men before himself. No, it was his teammate Tony the destructive reckless billionaire playboy in a relationship with Loki the supervillain and god of mischief who had caused so much destruction that was disturbing. Clint pushed that thought back. Okay, that meant he needed to check Tony's bedroom too.

Crutches leaning in the corner. Loki had been injured at some point in his stay here, in such a way that he could not heal himself. Tony had said that Loki's magic had been drained when he found him. That meant the injury happened before his magic returned. The lack of a limp said nothing about how long ago that was; Ercpod was proof that Loki's magic was back and he was capable of healing himself. Tony had said something about Loki being dumped in the woods to die. That probably meant Loki was already injured when Tony found him. If he hadn't been, then, even without magic, the trickster should have been cunning enough to get out of the woods and get human clothes and bide his time until his magic returned. Unless the lack of magic itself was a threat to his life? But no. Tony and Bruce's care couldn't do anything about loss of magic, so it had to have been something physical. The crutches suggested that it had been injury.

Clothes in the closet. That was something. He should poke around in there before he returned to the vents to go check Tony's room. Clint eased the door the rest of the way open, making a mental note of exactly how far open it had started out. There were a handful of button-up shirts on hangers and jeans and t-shirts on the shelves, pretty generic but for one jacket that looked like it had probably come from Hot Topic. Clint moved to start rifling through the pockets.

What. The. Fuck. All of a sudden, he was in the middle of the room, hanging upside down in the air. He could feel the spell's grip on his ankles, but there was nothing physically there for him to break its grip. _Shit_. There went his stealth. This... was a problem.

\----

"Cole, thank you for watching Eric." Bruce returned from his lecture, feeling relieved to have heard no explosions. "...Where is he?"

Cole extracted his head from the cupboard. "We're playing hide and seek. It's his turn to hide."

"I see." Bruce could smell the anxiety on the grad student. "How long have you been looking for him?"

Cole paled. "About an hour?"

Ohhh shit. Bruce was never repeating this experiment. "Where have you checked?"

"Inside every cupboard and under every desk of every lab on this floor." Cole looked miserable. "I made him promise to stay on this floor and not go into any labs with signs saying they were restricted access."

Bruce took a deep breath. "Did you check up inside the chimneys of the fume hoods?" Cole shook his head. "Go do that. What about the offices and janitors' closets?"

"All locked."

"I'll borrow Wendy's master key and check them anyway." Damn damn damn. This was doing his blood pressure no favors.

As it turned out, Ercpod was in the very last supply closet on the floor left to be checked, sitting on a shelf with a straw stuck in a printer cartridge like an ink juicebox and a sea of already-drained cartridges around him.

He looked up when Bruce opened the door. "Hi! Is the game over?"

"Yes. I'm done teaching and it's time to go home now." Bruce began shoveling the drained cartridges into an empty cardboard box to give his shaking hands something to do. He was _definitely_ never bringing Ercpod to work with him again. "Do I want to know what you're doing in here?"

"I was playing hide and seek with Cole and the door was open so I hid under the shelf but then someone closed it and I was locked in and I got bored and hungry." Ercpod told him, like it was obvious. Bruce supposed in retrospect that it sort of was.

What did a parent say in this situation? After a moment, Bruce settled on "Well, I'm glad I found you. How about you put that cartridge in the box with the rest and we let Cole know he can stop panicking and go home?"


	25. Chapter 25

Tony cringed as Loki got in the car with him. Loki raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Nothing. Err. Well."

"Spit it out. Did JARVIS just tell you that Barton is hanging by his ankles from the ceiling in my bedroom?" Loki asked drily.

Tony started. "What? Yes. How? You already knew that? I thought I would need to break it to you gently, and you know I'm not good at doing that."

Loki rolled his eyes. "No, that you are not. Did you really think that I would not know it when the booby traps on my closet were tripped?"

"Why is your closet booby trapped?"

"Little surprise for you should you decide it would be funny to hide in it and jump out at me when I am retrieving clothes. And apparently also to teach our resident spy a lesson about going through his housemates' belongings."

Tony eyed him nervously. "You're...very calm."

Loki grinned wolfishly. "I'm rather enjoying plotting what I'm going to do to him."

"Oh god."

"Damn right I am."

\----

The invisible grip on Clint's feet released quite unexpectedly, letting him fall straight down onto a trampoline (Wait, why was there a trampoline there all of a sudden? He _knew_ it hadn't been there a second ago.), bounce over the side, and land flat on his back on the floor, knocking the wind out of him. Groaning and forcing air back into his lungs, he rolled over and pushed himself up, only to freeze.

His hands were purple. Very very purple. His gaze traveled up his arms. Purple. He didn't need to look at the doorway to know that this wasn't just the spell timing out; Loki was home.

\----

Bruce settled down at the kitchen table with a stack of papers to grade before Ercpod could get his claws on them and a large mug of tea, gratefully inhaling the calming vapors. He ought to have been irritated when he realized that Loki had replaced his tea leaves with a sedating herbal mixture, but really, the stuff came in handy. After having his non-human son go missing at work, calming tea was _exactly_ what he needed.

Really, he wasn't sure whether to apologize to Cole or scold him for letting Ercpod go missing in the first place. The poor kid seemed rather traumatized by the whole episode, and it wasn't like he'd _known_ that Ercpod wasn't just an ordinary innocent little kid. But on the other hand, he _had_ let a child out of his sight on a floor full of laboratories. Ugh. Bruce wasn't sure what to do. Parenthood was hard, even if half the time he felt like his teammates gave him a lot of practice at it.

Speaking of his teammates, someone was trying to sidle over to the refrigerator unnoticed, with a hood hiding their face and hands in their pockets despite the fact that the kitchen was actually fairly warm. Yup. Something was up. Too tall for Tony, too short for Steve or Loki...

"Hi Clint, how's it going?"

Clint twitched. "Fine."

"You sure about that? You look cold, and it's pretty warm in here."

"Yup. Fine."

"I don't believe you." Bruce was across the room and yanking the archer's hood down in a single fluid movement. "Oh my."

Hawkeye really was a sight. Everything was purple. His skin was royal purple. His hair was almost the color of red wine. His eyes were brilliantly amethyst on pale violet. Bruce only wondered how his teammate had managed to irritate Loki in the time his back had been turned.

"Happy?" Clint snapped.

"You look like an eggplant." Bruce bit back laughter. "Are you okay apart from being purple, though? No real damage?"

"No, no damage except scrubbing my skin raw trying to get it off." Clint grudgingly admitted.

"Have you learned your lesson about whatever you did?"

"Maybe."

"Have you apologized yet for whatever you did?"

"No."

"Are you planning on apologizing?"

"No."

...Yeah, his teammates were definitely just as much of children as Ercpod was.

\----

Ercpod jumped when Steve joined him on the roof. The little demon's unease made Steve sad.

"Hey, don't go. I want to talk to you."

Ercpod eyed him. "...Why?"

"I wanted to apologize for getting upset about my art supplies. I didn't think about it from your perspective, and I'm sorry for yelling." Steve extended a hand. "Friends?"

Ercpod took it shyly. "Friends. I'm sorry for eating your stuff. I should've asked."

Steve settled down with his sketchpad and a pencil where he could see the beach from an angle that he hadn't yet drawn. "What brings you up here, squirt?"

Ercpod shuffled his feet. "I think Mommy is mad at me. He says he's not, but he seems upset."

"Aw, c'mere." Steve pulled the little demon in against his side. "Did something happen?"

"Kinda? I went to work with him today and played with one of the students while he taught, and someone locked me in a closet by accident."

"Oh, kiddo, he's not mad at you. It just scared him when he couldn't find you is all. That's how parents are." He squeezed the former grading pen gently. "Do you want to help me draw this?"

Ercpod nodded eagerly, obviously feeling better. "Can you teach me how to do shading?"


	26. Chapter 26

"Hey Barney," Tony snickered. Clint froze, gripping the edge of the counter so hard his knuckles turned white despite the purple. "There are some kids outside. Shouldn't you be out there singing about friendship with them?"

He was _not_ going to react. He wasn't. Very slowly and calmly, Clint picked up his coffee and headed back in the direction of his room. "No."

\----

"I need you to put a curse on Fury."

"Why?" Loki turned the page of his SmartPak catalog without looking up, trying to remember which nutrients Midgardian grain was low in.

"He's getting on my nerves."

"Isn't he usually?"

"Yes, which is exactly why you should put a curse on him." Tony tugged on the catalog distracting his boyfriend from the all-important matter at hand. "What's this?"

"Horse supplements. Grain here is slightly different from in Asgard." Loki tugged it back. "Do you have something in mind?"

"What about bees?"

"Meh. Impractical. If they're easy to get rid of, they don't achieve anything. If they're hard to get rid of I practically guarantee someone is going to wind up in anaphylactic shock. What are you trying to achieve here?"

Tony all but flopped onto the arm of Loki's chair. "I don't know. Annoy him. Embarrass him. Generally mess with him. Something like that."

"Make him look somehow foolish?" Loki asked, putting down the catalog. He wasn't going to get anything done with Tony in this kind of mood.

"Yes!"

"Okay. Hmm. How about making him talk funny for a day?"

"I like it. Thick foreign accent?"

"Could work."

"No. Better. Valley girl."

Loki grinned. "He's going to be so pissed."

\----

"See you later Barney!" Tony sing-songed as he skipped out the door, a half-amused half-exasperated Loki trailing in his wake and protesting something about not needing to go outside.

Quietly fuming, Clint set down the tupperware that he had been examining of what _had_ been leftover wild rice when he'd put it in the fridge last night but now appeared to be live ants and headed for the gym.

Fuck Stark. Fuck him. Clint pounded the punching bag. That joke wasn't funny. Clint did _not_ want to think about his brother. Or the circus. He didn't want to think about any of it. Barney's scornful face as he walked away had hurt more than the broken bones as he lay there on the ground beneath the high wire.

He couldn't not see it now, couldn't not relive pulling the mask off of the guard that he had just injured and seeing his brother. That haunted him just as much.

Even his memories of their childhood, before everything, when things were happy still haunted him.

A particularly vicious punch sent the bag rebounding, hard, and in his distracted state he didn't react in time and it knocked him down, knocking the wind out of him.

"You alright?" Loki came into view, offering him a hand. "That tactless boyfriend of mine seemed to hit a nerve."

"You're back quick." Clint huffed, but he accepted the hand getting up.

"And you were pretty zoned out. But yes, teleportation makes travel very quick. Do you need me to have a word with Tony?"

"I can handle it." Clint scowled. "It just gets under my skin when he calls me Barney because that was my brother's name and, well, painful memories."

"Ah. I can sympathize."

"Can you?" Clint asked harshly, unwrapping the tape from his hands.

"If you recall, the first thing that anyone said when I introduced myself after coming through the portal was to ask if I was Thor's brother. We have our share of...emotionally charged history."

"You miss him." Clint looked up, surprised.

"Yes. The last time that I saw him before being captured and mindcontrolled, we were carried away with a fight that although it had started with good intentions had become rather childish on both our parts. Even though I question his readiness to rule and even though I am adopted, we were still raised as brothers."

"Does he know you were not acting voluntarily?"

Loki shook his head. "I don't know. Maybe the Chitauri kidnapping me back tipped him off, or maybe he thought it a planned escape."

"He comes to visit sometimes, you know. You'll see him again, eventually. Have you thought about how you'll show him that you're you again?"

Loki half-smiled. "I suppose by doing something that is exactly the sort of thing that I _would_ do. Would you care to come help me install a lightning rod on the roof, Agent Barton?"

\----

On their way past the workshop, Clint stuck his head in. "Tony, I just want you to know that it triggers bad memories when you call me Barney, and if you do it again I will shove an arrow so far up your ass you'll need surgery to get it out."

Tony looked up at him. "Why would I? You're not purple anymore."


	27. Chapter 27

"It's too quiet."

Phil looked up from his paperwork. "Welcome back Agent Romanoff. How was Brazil?"

"Hot and sticky. Why's it so quiet?"

"Loki seems to be back."

"That's not counterintuitive at all." Natasha flopped into a chair.

"Fury is refusing to speak due to suddenly having a so-called valley girl accent that he can't get rid of, and Barton has gone looking for Loki."

"That explains it being quiet around here, but really? You sent him alone?"

"No." Phil didn't actually roll his eyes, but his tone of voice said it all. "Barton is technically on enforced medical leave to make sure he suffers no ill effects of his most recent incident with poison. However, considering Loki's apparent reappearance and knowing our Hawkeye, he's almost certainly taken it upon himself to singlehandedly track him down."

"Shall I go after Clint?"

"No." Phil shuffled his papers. "I want to see how this one pans out."

"That sounds dangerous."

Phil shrugged. "He's just playing pranks this time. Something changed. And that makes me very curious."

\----

"Oy, Capsicle, Tweety. D'you know how to fence?"

"No?"

"Used to."

"JARVIS, record the rest of the game." Tony shut off the TV, to indignant noises from Steve and Clint. "You two, get your asses down to the gym. Loki is teaching us to fence."

"Language." Steve admonished half-heartedly. It wasn't going to make a difference.

"Ah, sorry. Get your _fucking_ ass down to the gym, Spangles." Tony snickered.

Clint chuckled. "Did you really think that wasn't going to backfire?"

\----

"Bruce, c'mon. Gym."

"No thank you." Bruce didn't look up from the concoction he was mixing up. Ercpod tugged on his pantleg. "In a minute, little guy. Go make sure you have enough paper."

"Loki's teaching us to fence. Come _on_." Tony all but whined. "It'll be fun."

"Well then I'm _definitely_ not joining you. I think I'll leave the pointy things to other people." Bruce held up his vials and examined them. "Besides, I'm doing an experiment. I'd better get moving so I've got it wrapped up before one of you inevitably hurts himself and needs my attention."

\----

"Big guy's not joining us, but let's get started." Tony looked at Loki and Clint already sparring. "You started without me?"

Steve shrugged, leaning against the wall. "Clint has prior experience. Loki wanted to give him a quick tune-up and then use him to help demonstrate for us."

"Hmph. Maybe I wanted to watch." Tony sulked. It certainly was worth watching. Loki was poetry in motion, flowing from lunge to block to calculated strike. Clint was decent, if obviously a little out of practice, too, but Tony couldn't keep his eyes off his boyfriend.

\----

"Oh yeah, baby, impale me with your sword." Tony quipped as Loki landed another strike on him. On the other side of the room, they heard Steve make a strangled noise, followed by a grunt as Clint's blow slid past his momentarily wavering defense and hit his ribs.

Loki rolled his eyes. "Focus."

"What's so distracting?" Clint looked around. He'd turned his hearing aids off, but _something_ had gotten Steve's attention.

Steve rubbed his ribs and stepped back into his fighting stance. "Tony. Innuendo."

"Glad I didn't hear it."

\----

"Fancy seeing you here." Phil said mildly, face perfectly straight, as Fury entered the gym.

Fury pursed his lips.

"You can't access anything highly classified because the voice identification protocols don't recognize you now, I take it?"

A tense nod as he wrapped his hands.

"I'm sure it'll wear off eventually. To my knowledge, this isn't a bad time to take a bit of a break anyway." Phil watched the director's body language carefully. He was on edge, and Phil didn't want to push him too hard.

A withering look.

"Sorry sir. I'll stop trying to be positive."

Fury turned his back on him and set in pummeling the nearest punching bag.


	28. Chapter 28

The amusement park had been a lot of fun. Loki had cast notice-me-not spells on the whole group to allow them to walk around visible but seem unremarkable to the people around them. (Tony had whined, but Loki offered to turn him into a poodle instead, and dogs couldn't go on rides.) They'd ridden rides and stuffed themselves on funnel cake and kettle corn. Loki had stealthily taken photos of Steve perching awkwardly atop a carousel horse. Ercpod was half-asleep in a sugar coma induced by five jumbo blue raspberry slushies and clinging to Loki's back, a neon green stuffed tiger won as a prize dangling from one hand, as Loki watched his boyfriend try to coax Bruce into a hypothetical discussion about how much faster a nearby roller coaster could go before flying off the tracks. Clint was seated at the counter of one of the shooting games, collecting a mountain of tickets and eyeing the massive stuffed dog sitting atop the booth's roof. Steve was coaching some kid at how to play one of the games.

Loki idly changed the color of a passer-by's t-shirt, wondering how long it would take the girl to notice. Maybe he should have made it clash worse? Nah. He'd leave it be. He spotted a little boy staring at a stuffed animal with longing and made the toy wave at him. The boy's eyes widened and he began tugging at his mother's pantleg, begging to play the game and win the toy. Ah, children. He resettled Ercpod on his back, making a note to give his son some drawing paper when they got home—his claws must be bursting with neon blue slushie after practically drinking his weight in them. Or he could suggest that Steve's white undershirts needed tie-dying. That would also be a good way to burn off some of that food coloring. Or Tony's white living room furniture, but then Tony would sulk and a sulking boyfriend was not conducive to getting laid. Decisions, decisions. For now, he was much too relaxed for any major chaos.

Which of course jinxed it all.

How the park employee actually managed to hit Bruce with a mallet wasn't entirely clear, but he did. He was walking by carrying a theatrically large wooden mallet for the test-your-strength game— perhaps the one they were using had broken or something— and then some teenager abusing the motor scooter that their broken ankle had gotten them use of for the day had come tearing through like a maniac, forcing people to all but dive out of the way, and somehow in the process Bruce had gotten clocked in the ear with the mallet. Which of course didn't lead to anything good. Sheer luck had created more chaos than the god of mischief himself could be arsed to do the majority of the time.

Not that Loki blamed Bruce/the "Other Guy" one bit for his reaction. He'd done plenty of no magic allowed hand-to-hand combat and hits to the ear _hurt_. Bruce probably hadn't even seen it coming; he had been facing away from the walkway and everything had happened rather fast.

But now there was a Hulk running around the amusement park and three of the six members of their group weren't supposed to be there.

Tony and Steve were dodging his wildly swinging fists, trying to talk him down. Even with the notice-me-not spells, they were being noticed now. Loki changed his, Ercpod's, and Clint's appearances for good measure, hoping to keep them off the radar, and dragged the both of them behind a booth.

"Nothing you can do they're not already doing. And you're not supposed to be here." He reminded the archer.

"So we hide?"

"No, you keep your head down and I pretend to do the same while working some magic to calm him." Another crash made them jump. "I changed our appearances, if you didn't notice. Try to look like a scared tourist."

A piece of wood flew by them, and both men instinctively pushed Ercpod behind them. Loki concentrated on his magical core, keeping his posture that of a frightened tourist protecting his child while pushing calming urges at the Hulk. The Hulk slowed in his smashing of booths, then stopped, growling and breathing hard, but calmer. Ok. Good. Just a little more. There. Bruce was regaining control and starting to shrink down again. Loki conjured a sweater under Tony's jacket and exchanged a Look with Clint. This was only phase one of the mess.

Tony couldn't find his boyfriend in the crowd, but he felt a sweater pop into existence neatly between his shirt and jacket and mentally applauded Loki's quick thinking as he removed the jacket to bundle his friend into it. It served the dual purpose of providing Bruce something to put on without the magic being visible and letting Tony know that Loki was nearby and watching but staying out of sight. He would have changed his appearance, and probably Ercpod and Clint as well since they weren't supposed to be there either. Undoubtedly they were together and laying low.

"C'mon guys. Too much excitement for one day. Let's go." He shooed Bruce and Steve toward the exit, waving off the shell-shocked park employees. "Have somebody send me the bill."

"What about—?" Steve asked quietly as they got out of earshot of the crowd.

"They can take care of themselves. Disguised, watching, and smart enough to stay clear until whatever debriefing SHIELD wants to do is over and my house is secure again."

"Do they know what _we're_ doing?"

Tony shot him a half smirk. "I wasn't wearing this sweater five minutes ago."

"O…kaay…? Oh!" Steve got it. "Yeah. You're right."

\----

"SHIELD is going to want to debrief them. We'll have to lay low." Clint pointed out.

Loki nodded and started picking his way through the mess. "I need to get out to the barn and work my horse, anyway." He checked that the notice-me-not spells were still in place and lowered his voice for good measure. "I estimate we have half an hour to get home, change, and disappear. When we get out into the parking lot in among all the cars, I'll teleport us."

"I'm going with you?"

"Do you have another plan?"

Well, he'd been meaning to look into this riding lessons claim anyway. Why not. "Nope. I'm down with meeting your horse."

\----

"Hi Sandra. Brought company today." Loki waved as they passed the ring. "The instructor here." He explained to Clint. "More patient with Tony than I probably would be." Clint snickered. "Really. She's a saint." They reached Fen's paddock and Loki whistled, conjuring a carrot in his pocket to coax the stubborn stallion to actually come over when called. "And my horse, Hrafn. Hey trouble." He rubbed Fen's face with his knuckles as the horse plucked the carrot from his hand. "Missed this guy when we were apart."

Clint gave him an incredulous look that said he'd guessed what Loki _wasn't_ saying. "Did you really—?"

Loki smirked. "Heist of the century." He looked down at Ercpod. "Want to ride him back to the barn, squirt?" Ercpod nodded enthusiastically. "Okay, up you go." He gave his son a boost onto Fen's back. "Hang on tight to his mane, and let me know if you feel like you're slipping."

\----

"I'd ask where Tony is, but the kids tell me that the internet is blowing up with the news of some incident at an amusement park involving half the Avengers." Sandra remarked as she clipped Finch into the next set of crossties down from Fen, sounding half curious and half exasperated.

"Jeez, already?" Clint groaned, glancing up from his painstaking combing of the stallion's mane. (Loki's horse really was gorgeous and fitting for a prince, much as he hated to admit that he'd been wrong about the barn being a cover story.)

Sandra took another look at him. "You're one of them, aren't you? You didn't tell me you were friends with all of the Avengers, Luke."

"We don't know each other all that well yet." Loki brushed it off lightly. "I was around because, well, Tony's my boyfriend and all, Clint came by to visit, the butler told us there'd been an incident and SHIELD would be keeping Tony and the other guys that had been involved tied up in official stuff all afternoon, we said screw it we don't want to sit around for that."

Clint nodded, content to go along with the modified version of events. "If they actually need the team they know how to reach me, but for now, I'm still on vacation." He patiently extracted the hood of his sweatshirt from Fen's mouth. It figured Loki's horse would be a troublemaker too. "Tagging along here seemed more fun. I like animals. Used to work in a circus. And I can entertain the kid if he gets bored watching his dad ride."

Ercpod waved cheerfully, still in his human disguise. Loki smiled fondly. "My son Eric. I try to keep him away from those government guys; wouldn't want him getting it in his head to become a politician or anything like that." He quipped.

Sandra laughed at that. "Nice to meet you, kiddo. Is your dad trying to turn you into a stunt rider like him?"

"Nope."

Loki shook his head in confirmation. "He likes art and science, and I am totally supportive of both."


	29. Chapter 29

"You clearly had more fun than we did." Tony grumbled as Loki and Clint walked in covered in horsehair, Ercpod asleep on Loki's shoulder.

"Yeah, looks like it." Clint felt the tiniest hint of smugness at having dodged that bullet as he surveyed the trio sitting around the kitchen table. Tony's drink looked like a glass of pure liquor, Bruce's mug smelled strongly of mint and chamomile, and Steve appeared to have opted for the psychological comfort of good old fashioned hot chocolate to make up for neither alcohol nor calming herbs having an effect on him. All three looked ready to tear their hair out. "I take back all my complaints about getting used as a chew toy by a horse. You guys look like you got chewed up by something much bigger and meaner."

Loki squeezed his boyfriend's shoulder with his free hand. "Let me put Ercpod to bed and we'll come up with something to take your mind off all the torturous bureaucracy you must've spent the afternoon putting up with." Perhaps they should prank Clint this time; he seemed to have more or less gotten over his distrust of Loki, he wasn't stressed to start with, and he hadn't been the target of anything that wasn't revenge since the incident with the feathers on his first day. It was about time.

Bruce stood up, draining his tea, and reached out for Ercpod. "I'll take him. He usually has a calming effect on me, so it'll be good for me."

Loki handed him over. "In that case, let me go get cleaned up from the barn."

Tony bounded out of his seat like he'd been electrocuted. "Race you to the shower!"

So _that_ was the kind of distraction he wanted. Well, Loki was fine with that, too. "You're on."

Steve looked at Clint pleadingly as the others exited the room, Tony shouting at thin air that teleportation was cheating. "Gym?"

"Sure."

\----

"No fair."

Loki gave his panting boyfriend a cheeky grin over his shoulder as he pushed his shirt the last bit off of his shoulders and let it slide down his body under the force of gravity. "Just wanted to have the water warmed up when you got here, my dear."

"You're a fucking showoff and you know it."

"Well obviously." He let his jeans fall to the floor and slowly peeled his underpants off, hips swaying in an exaggerated snake-like motion. "You are planning on joining me, aren't you? Or were you going to stand there all day?"

Tony pulled a face at him and began peeling his own clothes off. Loki crossed the bathroom in one stride and grabbed his boyfriend from behind, one arm pinning the other man tightly to his already-naked body as he applied teeth and tongue to Tony's neck, the other hand unfastening and removing Tony's pants.

Tony gasped in surprise and pleasure, lolling his head to one side to facilitate the erotic assault on his throat and grinding his ass into Loki's rapidly-forming erection as the layers of fabric fell away. Loki chucked and nipped at his adam's apple, the vibrations tickling his lips as Tony whined in need. He had judged it right—this was _exactly_ the stress release that his boyfriend needed. Good rough sex, the kind of hard thorough fucking that turned a person to jelly and left them unable to do anything but sleep it off.

Clothing gone, Loki maneuvered them under the spray and turned Tony around to face him, capturing his mouth in a kiss. Tony responded with enthusiasm, tangling his hands in Loki's long hair, and kissed him all the more frantically as Loki's hands gripped his ass. With a little magicked lubrication, long fingers found their way into his asshole and started teasing him, preparing him. Tony squirmed against them and Loki pushed him against the wall of the shower and picked him up.

\----

Fury cocked his head at Phil in a silent question as they crossed paths in the hall.

"Situation is contained, director." He reported, falling into step beside his boss. "Looks like an unfortunate coincidence; some kid playing with a golf cart almost ran over a staff member, who jumped out of the way, and Banner got clocked in the ear from behind by the large heavy object that the staff member was carrying. As you know, the Hulk exists to protect him, and the object in question was heavy enough that that blow could have caused injury."

Fury nodded, looking satisfied. Phil could almost get used to this. It was certainly quieter.

A suction cup dart nearly clipped the director's nose as they reached the next intersection. "Motherfucker!" They froze a moment, registering that the valley girl accent was gone, before Fury rounded on the horrified-looking agent trying to quietly replace the ceiling tile that he'd moved to launch a sneak attack on a friend down the hall. "Gill! Just because Agent Barton is not here does _not_ mean you are to take over pulling his stupid stunts. Get your ass out of the ceiling!"

Phil decided to leave Fury to it and retreat to his office. He had a lot to think about.

While the incident at the amusement park did appear to be an accident, there was more to it than Phil had decided to mention in his report. It had been oddly hard work to keep track of his Avengers in the security camera footage, moreso than the low image quality accounted for. He had an easier time tracking a randomly chosen person than he did them. It was almost like his eyes didn't want to focus on them. He could have sworn that they seemed to have walked in with other people, though. And seemed to have rather familiar interactions with a few other people, but didn't seem to get swarmed by fans or sign any autographs. It was really hard to tell, but that made it all the more suspicious. It was almost like magic.

Well, magic didn't _necessarily_ mean Loki. The Avengers weren't the only superhumans on SHIELD's list, let alone those that SHIELD didn't know about (yet). If they had made friends with someone with powers it would make sense for those powers to get used to allow for a low-key day out with friends once in a while.

On the other hand, the three of them left alone whereas it seemed like they had entered with other people. The others could have had to leave for some reason prior to the Incident, but it also could mean there was something to hide.

Okay. So, hypothetically, what if it _was_ magic and Loki _was_ the source of the magic? That would mean they they had somehow come in contact with him and either decided to befriend him rather than hand him over or were under his control. The latter would be very very bad, but it didn't make much sense. Offering spells against being noticed for a recreational outing didn't seem like the sort of thing a villain would do for the people he was mind controlling. The Hulk thing could have been a very elaborately choreographed chain of events instead of an accident, but in that case, he would have thought that the hulk-out would have been much more prolonged.

Actually, it really _had_ been short for an unintentional episode. Which led him to think that perhaps the magical person was still in the park and working some sort of calming spells from a distance. Which would mean that leaving separately was a sign that there was something to hide.

Right. So _if_ it was Loki, that meant they had probably decided to befriend him. Why would they do that? The only thing Phil could think of was if he hadn't actually been responsible for the events of his last visit, and the only way he could think of for that to happen would be if there had been more mind control involved than they had realized. He was certainly behaving very differently now. Was it possible to mind control a god? He didn't know, but why wouldn't it be? He'd read up on Norse mythology, and the Chitauri didn't appear anywhere. So who knew what power existed wherever they were from? There could well be something powerful enough to control Loki which had gotten its hands (or equivalent) on Loki and used him to do the dirty work.

Okay, so that was a far-fetched theory. And he didn't have information. And going digging was probably a risky prospect, considering Loki had successfully (though harmlessly) pranked SHIELD several times and clearly had some sort of insider knowledge. So for now, he was just going to watch and wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before anyone points at the hide and seek incident and complains that Ercpod is not a calming influence, I would like to point at the chapter where he's introduced. Bruce's parental nurturing instinct is a calming influence, even if children do occasionally give their parents figurative heart attacks.


	30. Chapter 30

Tony woke up sore. A very contented sore though, and in bed naked sprawled half on top of Loki. Every muscle seemed to ache. He was aware of bruises all over his neck, ass, and shoulders. He could feel how recently Loki had been inside of him. Oh man, had he ever lucked out. His boyfriend was heavenly. He'd literally fucked him senseless to take his mind off the day he'd had. Best boyfriend ever. Hours later, and he still felt like a wet noodle. He pressed a kiss to Loki's collarbone, because that was the only place he could reach without moving.

Loki chuckled and ran his fingers lightly up and down Tony's spine. "Should I take that to mean you want another round?"

"Nuh-uh. Well yeah. But not yet. Not recovered yet. Can't move."

"You're welcome." Mission accomplished. Loki was very pleased with himself indeed.

"Cheeky." Tony complained halfheartedly.

"Planning on doing something about it?" Loki challenged him mischievously.

"Maybe I will. After I recover." Tony nuzzled his head into Loki's chest. "We should do something. That doesn't involve moving."

"That narrows it down quite a bit. But we could brainstorm things to do."

"Have you pulled anything big on Steve yet? I don't think you have." Tony mused.

Loki shook his head. "No, I don't believe I have. He was injured when he arrived and I didn't wish to do harm to him, but no, I don't believe I ever did get around to deliberately targeting him with anything after he recovered. I should fix that."

"Yes."

"Hmm." Loki thought about it, then concentrated a moment. "There we go, a nice little surprise for him."

"What'd you do?"

"You'll just have to wait and see."

"Cheeky."

"Yes, and you don't seem to have done anything about it yet."

Tony bit him by way of retort. Loki squeaked slightly, causing Tony to giggle at the funny noise he'd gotten out of the god.

\----

"There you guys are. I was just going to have JARVIS ask you when you wanted dinner." Bruce greeted Steve and Clint as they passed through the common area on their way up from the gym.

"Oh, uh, probably soon." Steve realized that he was actually quite hungry. The food at the fair had been quite a while ago. "I need to catch a quick shower first, but I'll be happy to help cook."

"Take as long as you need." Bruce waved him off. "I like cooking. How does spaghetti and meatballs sound?"

"Like comfort food." Clint put in. "Which is to say, I'm voting yes."

"That's what I was thinking. We could use some comfort food after today." Bruce admitted.

Steve nodded. "I'll be quick about showering and come help you, if you don't mind the company. There was a meatball-ish thing that my best friend used to make when we were roommates before the war, out of scraps from the butchershop." He smiled fondly, if a little sadly. "About the only thing he could cook halfway decently. I kind of want to see if we can figure out how to recreate it. Who knows how good it actually was, but I _remember_ it as comforting because he always made it when I was sick. Said I needed the meat to keep my strength up."

"That sounds like a plan." Bruce didn't mind at all. If anything, he craved the company just now, the reminder that people liked him and wanted to be around him. "I'll wait for you to start the meatballs."

\----

Steve took one of the faster showers of his life, both not wanting to keep Bruce waiting and wanting to have company again to take his mind off thoughts of the old days. He didn't want to _forget_ things, but at the same time it hurt being alone with his thoughts. Those memories felt raw still, reminders of things that he might have lost 70 years ago to the rest of the world, but to him were still fresh. Making the one dish that Bucky had been able to cook reasonably well (which was to say, without accidentally setting it on fire) seemed a poor tribute, he thought as he exited the bathroom rubbing his hair with a towel, but it was _something_.

\----

Either Steve was a much better actor than they had given him credit for, or he was genuinely unaware of his hot pink hair. Bruce wasn't sure, but he'd been living with Tony (and now Loki and Ercpod) for long enough not to bat an eye.

Should he say something? Odds were, the captain really didn't know.

…Nah. Somebody else could explain this one.

Apparently Clint had the same idea about not feeling like breaking the news, because he waited until Steve had turned his back to refill his water to gleefully opine in sign language what a good color pink was on the captain. Bruce just rolled his eyes. Nothing had exploded in a while, and someone other than him was getting pranked. He'd take that.

\----

They had just finished washing dishes when there was an odd noise from the roof; a sort of thumping and scuffling that Steve swore contained notes of fabric tearing and a metallic twang. Immediately they were on alert.

"There shouldn't _be_ anything up there." Bruce pointed out, carefully setting aside his glasses and watch.

Clint barely glanced up from digging weapons out of the pockets of the jacket he'd left slung over a kitchen chair earlier. "If it's the lovebirds, I am going to have to bleach my brain."

Steve picked up his shield from behind the couch. "Better go check it out. JARVIS, warn the others."

"Yeah, tell them to put their clothes back on."


	31. Chapter 31

It should have been an uneventful trip. Thor had gone directly to Jane's apartment and stayed there for a few days, catching up without informing anyone else that he had returned, before his curiosity as to what his brothers in arms were up to had gotten the better of him. So he had flown first to New York, and then, finding Stark's tower only being used for business, to California.

His landing on the roof of the mansion, however, had been unexpectedly rough. Something tugged him off course just as he came in to land. Only barely off course, and not very strongly, but it was unexpected enough that he did not correct quite in time and clipped a metal post on the roof with the toe of his boot, tripping him and snagging his cape so that he more fell than gracefully touched down. Normally his impulse would have been to break the offending post in order to free himself, but he was making an effort to not break his friends' things, so he instead set to work attempting to untangle his cape by hand.

Scarce seconds later, Steve, Clint, and Bruce burst onto the roof to witness his predicament. Immediately they relaxed on recognizing him.

"Thor! You gave us a scare. Good to see you." Steve set down his shield and joined him in freeing his cape. "You seem to have had a run-in with our lightning rod."

Bruce approached, brows furrowing. "Yes, good to see you. We don't have a—when did we get a lighting rod? I don't remember us having one."

Clint's eyes widened, and then he burst out laughing, leaning back against the door frame for support. The others looked at him in bemusement.

"Friend Hawk, what amuses you so?"

"I know how— Oh my god— I'm not sure how to explain— Aw shit." Clint sobered, looking desperately at Steve and Bruce. They caught the implication and traded a look.

Thor looked between the three of them. "What is it?"

Bruce sighed. They were going to have to tell him. He just hoped this went well. "Loki. He's back, and not evil. We found him after the Chitauri kidnapped him back from you, drained his magic, and dumped him back on Earth to die. It turned out they used that mind control scepter on him before giving it to him to use on others."

Thor opened and closed his mouth a few times wordlessly, emotions flying across his face too fast to express. "My brother…" He finally managed to say.

"Is fine." Bruce assured him. "We discretely brought him home and treated his injuries, and he has been living here with us since."

"And pranking us constantly." Clint added. "Him and Tony are constantly pulling pranks. Though to be fair, I _was_ the one who helped him install that lightning rod as a surprise for your arrival."

Thor turned to him. "He has been expecting me?"

"I think he's equal parts eager to see you again now that he's free, and terrified that you won't believe him that he was only a puppet before." Clint shifted awkwardly, wishing however unrealistically that he could have gotten _his_ brother back. "You're his brother. He loves you and cares about what you think of him."

Finally free of the offending lightning rod, though his cape slightly worse for the wear, Thor strode towards the door. "Well where is he then? We have much lost time to make up for." He wanted with all his heart to believe what his friends were telling him. _Please don't let this be a trap…_

"Probably on his way up. I asked JARVIS to wake the rest of the household when we heard your arrival." Steve volunteered, hoping that the others were dressed so that the news of Loki and Tony's relationship could be broken gently.

Luckily, by the time the two groups intersected in the living room, they were. Mostly. They were barefoot and Tony's shirt wasn't buttoned and both of their hair was a mess, but that was better than naked in bed by a long shot.

"Hey." Loki greeted Thor nervously. "I, uh, I hear you had a run-in with a lightning rod."

Thor fought to keep his composure. "I hear you installed it just for me." Loki nodded, searching his brother's face. Thor broke into a grin. "You are behaving like yourself."

Loki smiled tentatively. "Yeah. Yeah, I am."

Thor all but leapt across the room to engulf him in a hug. "Are you alright, brother? My comrades told me that the Chitauri hurt you."

"I'm recovered now." Loki buried his face in his big brother's chest, relieved. "I've been well cared-for."

"That is good."

\----

Reassured that violence did not appear likely to break out in his living room and feeling uncharacteristically awkward, Tony dragged his eyes away from the brothers' reunion and spotted an out of place patch of pink. He carefully glanced that direction. Steve's hair. Oh, that was beautiful. What a shade. That was glorious. Loki had said something about how Tony would have to "wait and see" what he'd done to Steve, hadn't he? He wasn't completely sure of _anything_ right now—his brain was still mush from that mind-blowing sex that they'd been _just about to start round two of, goddamnit_ —but he was _pretty_ sure Loki had pulled a prank on Steve from bed, and this certainly fit the bill.

Did Steve know yet? He wasn't acting like anything was amiss, nor were Clint or Bruce. So either Tony was the only one who could see it (in which case Loki was pulling a prank within a prank, the little shit), or they were deliberately playing it cool. The suspense was killing him. Tony had to know, even if he looked like a fool. He caught Clint's eye and glanced pointedly at Steve. Clint grinned gleefully behind the captain's back.

\----

Thor pulled back from their embrace somewhat to take a good look at his brother, a thought occurring to him. "You say that you are recovered, but I was told you had to be roused though it is but early in the evening. Are you truly alright?"

Oh Hel. This was going to be interesting. "I am quite alright, truly. I was in bed for…other reasons."

Thor looked shocked, then schooled his features straight. "You have taken a lover? I apologize for my surprise. It is good that you find happiness here. Might I meet her? 'Tis my duty as your older brother to frighten the one that you would take into treating you well."

Behind Thor, Loki saw Tony's eyes widen nervously. "Him." Loki corrected calmly. "As I'm sure you are aware by now, I am, in the Midgardian term, pansexual." Thor's brows knitted as he tried to remember the terminology. Loki rolled his eyes fondly. "I am attracted to a type that is unconnected to gender or race. I might be attracted to a male human as easily as a female Aesir as easily as an agender elf, or any other combination."

"I thought you merely trying to annoy father." Thor said slowly, wheels visibly turning in his head.

Loki gave him a withering look. "You are unbelievably clueless sometimes."

"That may be." Thor smoothed Loki's mussed hair with a gentle hand. "But no matter. You are as always my baby brother and I want happiness for you, whatever form your partner might come in. Might I meet him?"

"You already have." _Sorry Tony_. "I am in a relationship with your very own teammate Tony."

Tony gulped as Thor towered over him. "He-Hey buddy. Good to see you."

Thor narrowed his eyes. "You treat my brother as a precious thing, you understand, Man of Iron? Hurt him and you shall feel the full force of my wrath as you have never seen before."

"Yup. Got it. Pretty sure _he_ 'd kill me first before you had time to get to me though…"

"Then I would travel to the underworld to find you and show you my displeasure."

Tony nodded very rapidly, paling further. He believed it.

"I think he gets the message." Loki stepped in to break the tension. "How about we adjourn to dinner? There is much catching up to be done, I for one have not yet eaten, and I know for a fact that Thor's stomach is a bottomless pit."

"Good idea." Steve jumped on it. "Some of us have eaten, but I think we have a stack of frozen pizzas that we could cook quickly, and I can always go for more food myself."

"I am a fan of pizza." Thor conceded, turning to look at Steve in the light for the first time. "I must ask, if I am not being rude, what is with the change in your hair color? I have seen it on a few other people in my recent visits. Is it a tradition here with which I am not familiar?"

Steve froze. Everybody else in the room made various noises of suppressed laughter.

"What… do you mean change in my hair color?" Steve asked slowly. Loki obligingly conjured a mirror and handed it to him, chortling behind his hand. "It's—it's pink. Why is my hair pink. I didn't do this. How long has my hair been pink?"

"Since you showed up to cook dinner." Bruce told him. "That's the first time I noticed it anyway. JARVIS?"

"Time unknown. On your request, my presence is disabled in your suite bathroom. You entered with blond hair and left with pink." Steve narrowed his eyes at the usual culprits. "My records indicate the only magic-user in the household in the midst of an uninterrupted sleep cycle at the time."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...it's in his shampoo bottle, guys. Nobody ever suspects plain old dye in the shampoo bottle when there's somebody around that could have spelled their hair the funny color.


	32. Chapter 32

Clint wasn't sure what exactly had woken him, but there was an egg in bed with him. An oversized easter egg. _Really, guys? Cheap shot._ He surveyed it sleepily. Definitely decorated by Ercpod; the kid had a personal style. Harmless though, or Loki wouldn't have let Ercpod near it. He'd have to find a place to display it when he got up, but for now it would be safe enough on the pillow he wasn't currently using. The beds in Tony's mansion were plenty big to share with an egg without worrying about rolling over on it.

\----

"Hi Uncle Thor!" A little red blur tackled Thor around the knees as he stood at the counter trying to figure out the buttons on Tony's (far more complicated than Jane's) coffee maker.

What the— _Uncle?_ Loki had a child? With Tony? No. Not enough time had passed. He'd had a child already and reunited with it?

Thor looked down at the creature hugging him. Bright red, with horns and a tail. Cute, though very strange. "Hello, little one. Who would you be?"

"My name's Ercpod. Daddy told me you got here after I went to bed last night and not to bother you until you got up because you don't like being woken up." Well, Loki was definitely the father then, despite his ability to shape-shift to a woman. That was a relief. "Are you having trouble with the coffee maker? I can help." Ercpod hopped up on the counter and pushed a few buttons.

"Thank you. And what is everybody doing this fine morn?" He hasn't seen any other life in the house yet, though that was not entirely surprising given that he had only just gotten up and there was plenty of room for doing their own things without tripping over each other too often.

"Tony and Daddy are going shopping and then to the barn because Tony wants to go to a horse show. Mommy is calibrating machines in the lab. Steve is trying to get the pink out of his hair. Clint hasn't left his room yet." Ercpod reported. "And I want a popsicle, but they're in the back of the freezer and the chairs aren't tall enough for me to reach. Can you help me?"

"Certainly. 'Tis my job to spoil my nephew." Thor provided him with the requested sticky purple monstrosity and returned to inhaling the heavenly vapors of the brewing coffee. "Should I take it that your father has taken it on himself to teach Tony how to ride a horse, and Tony now wishes to try his skill in a competition?" That seemed a safer question to ask than who or what his nephew's mother was.

"Uh-huh."

"Is that going to go well?"

Ercpod shrugged. "I dunno. Daddy says he's okay for someone just learning. But he likes to show off a lot, and he gets distracted easy. So he might get himself in trouble when he's got an audience."

\----

The egg was vibrating. Clint was instantly awake, and easing out of bed and away from it. What the fuck. Something wasn't right here.

Wait. There. There was a crack forming in it. _Oh are you **shitting** me?_ It wasn't just a random giant easter egg in his bed, it was fertilized and hatching. In his bed.

What even _had_ eggs that size?

\----

"Wet enough?" Loki asked innocently. Tony glared at him. His boyfriend was far too dry, despite the freshly bathed horse sun-drying next to him.

"How in the world did you manage to stay dry? You have the squirmiest horse in the barn." He griped.

Loki laughed. "Practice. Although we had grooms, we still learned _how_ to care for our own horses. And I rather preferred to go down to the swimming hole rather than tell the grooms to bathe my horses for me." He idly shooed a fly that landed on Fen's sleek coat. "Creates a better bond that way."

"Humph. Well…you owe me something fun to make up for getting wet."

Loki rolled his eyes. "Fine. That movie we watched the other night was rather funny. Perhaps we should take inspiration from it."

"Home Alone?" Tony perked up.

"Yes, that's the one." Loki nodded sagely. "I'm sure we can find a place in need of a creative new security system." He spotted Sandra approaching and dropped the subject. "Hey. Baths are done, tack is clean, everything is packed. We were going to head out once these two are more or less dry, unless you can think of anything we've forgotten."

Sandra shook her head. "No, I think you're set. Meet here at 6 tomorrow, okay? Luke, I want you to be the one to load Fen up since you said he can be weird about trailers sometimes."

"Oh, yeah, of course." _If by weird we mean I have no clue how he'll react because he's literally never seen a trailer before, then yes, he can be weird about them._ "We'll be here even if I have to drag Tony out of bed kicking and screaming."

\----

What _was_ that? Chick? Kitten? Oh holy _fuck_ , there was a newborn _griffin_ on his pillow. Clint approached warily. It wasn't a threat, not even remotely, it was more like a little puffball that _definitely_ wasn't sure how to operate four legs, two wings, and one tail, but what in the world did he _do_ with a newborn griffin?

Well, he should probably keep it warm. Newborn any species probably wasn't good with temperature regulation. Tentatively he picked it up, intending to carry it to the bathroom to wrap it in a towel rather than turn his back on it. To his surprise, it squeaked and burrowed into his chest.

Oh. Oh boy. That would be it imprinting on him. Yup. Okay then. Griffin imprinting on him. This could get interesting. Did griffins make clingy pets? How big did griffins even get? This could get _very_ interesting.

\----

Yeah, Loki was back and an irritating prankster rather than a threat. Phil observed the security camera footage of a bucket of water lifting itself onto the top of the conference room door tiredly as he wrung out his suit jacket over the waste basket in his office. Although the unexpected shower had been rather cold, surprising, and inconvenient, that was actually good news. It made the list of threats one shorter. Did he think Loki would join them or even be anything but an annoyance? No, not likely. But not trying to conquer Earth was a big improvement. He'd take it gladly.

Okay, what was his next move? He idly switched the monitor from the security archives back to the live feeds of the area near his office. He should probably make contact, find out for himself, as uneasy as the idea made him on principle. Oh look, Agent Gill was about to open a supply cupboard. Phil wondered what would jump out at him. He should go to Stark's place in California; Stark and Banner and Cap were definitely there, Loki seemed likely to be nearby as well, and he had a hunch that Barton would find his way there soon if he hadn't already. His hawk was bright, he'd put the pieces together. Oh. Approximately eight cubic feet of marbles. _That_ was what would jump out of the closet when Gill opened it. Phil decided to give the ocean of little slippery glass balls in the hallway a few minutes to disperse or at least settle before emerging.

He _could_ take a SHIELD plane, but that was a little obvious. The more quietly he could arrive, the better. He'd catch a commercial flight. There were plenty of those. And maybe he should take Romanoff, too, if he could pull her without it looking suspicious. Worth a try, anyway.

"Sir?" She picked up the phone on the second ring.

"Busy right now?"

"No, I was just about to go find food off-base. The cafeteria is shut down for some reason. What can I do for you?"

Phil rolled his eyes almost fondly. Almost. "Let me guess, all their pots and pans have gone missing. I'll join you." He wondered which door (or doors) those would be found piled against.

"Why do you ask that?" The raised eyebrow was audible in her voice.

"I'll fill you in over dinner. How's trying the new seafood place around the corner sound?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...this is almost over. It could get a surprise epilogue or sequel later, but the original story that I'm cross-posting from fanfiction.net ends in one more chapter. I'm about to go post the first chapter of my WIP Soldiers Coming Home as soon as I hit send on this chapter, so it'll probably be up by the time you read this. Go check it out; I'm about as many chapters into writing it as this one has in total, with no end in sight yet. It's a recovering!Bucky fic that picks up (and diverges from canon due to when I started it) at the end of CATWS.


	33. Chapter 33

"Fossils on the flat?" Tony griped, "I'm not _that_ old!"

"It's just a clever name for adult beginners." Sandra explained patiently. "Maddie, please put that away; the ponies don't need pink polish on their hooves. No showing off or hamming it up, Tony. Anna, I need you to put your helmet back on. All you need to do is go in, do exactly what the announcer says, and remember to watch your posture and keep smiling. Nice and simple. Where's Luke?"

"Over here." Loki called from the rail, tucking the ribbon from the flat class they'd used for a warmup—only fourth, because of course Fen would decide standing still in the lineup was boring and try to grab the reins of the horse next to him— further out of Fen's reach in his windbreaker pocket and barely looking up.

"Oh, checking your courses. Good. Maddie, again, please put that away and hold your pony for me. Does everyone know when their classes are?"

\----

"Please be alert, we have visitors." JARVIS interrupted Bruce's explanation of how Ercpod had come about.

"Visitors! Friends?" Thor set down his coffee.

"Agents Coulson and Romanoff are attempting to access the property. I feel obligated to remind you that to my knowledge they are not aware—"

"Of Loki's presence." Bruce finished for the AI. "Thank you JARVIS. Good thing Loki isn't home. So, uh, yeah. Let them in and text Tony and Loki to let them know."

"You think it wise?" Thor asked.

"Well, if we didn't let them in…"

"They would be suspicious. You are right. I am letting my feelings get ahead of my thoughts."

"Yeah." Bruce gently prodded Ercpod off his lap. "How about you go draw in your room for a bit, okay?"

\----

Yup. He had been right. There was his hawk, sitting in the front yard of the mansion playing with a baby animal of some sort. Phil wasn't entirely sure what, which struck him as odd. A kitten, he supposed?

Clint spotted him and scrambled to his feet almost guiltily, scooping up his pet and then wincing as it clawed its way up to his shoulder.

Oh, that was _not_ a kitten. Wings, a beak, four legs, twitching tail…that was a griffin. Bingo. Loki had to have been here.

"Hi Clint. Cute griffin you've got there. Will he bite if I pet him?" Phil asked with a perfectly straight face. The straight face always got people. It was hilarious.

"Hi boss. No idea. You can try." Clint definitely looked like a kid who'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar and was trying to play it off. No doubt about it, and Phil didn't have to ask why; he knew that Clint knew that he had put the pieces together and figured out that Loki must be involved.

The griffin didn't bite, but it did bat at his hand in a rather catlike fashion before deciding that being petted was more than acceptable and leaning into it. "Well aren't you a feisty little thing. What might your name be?"

"Lucky." Clint told him, wincing as Lucky's claws dug into his shoulder again.

\----

"Hey old man. Get in a fight with a rabid mutant strawberry?"

Steve froze, halfway out the bathroom door after shower number four of the morning. "Hello Natasha." Why was she sitting on his bed? When had she gotten here?

"Love the punk look by the way. Way to give the finger to the establishment."

It took Steve a minute to remind himself that punk meant something different nowadays. "Ha ha. Clever. It was an accident."

Natasha rolled her eyes. "No it wasn't. Loki did it to you as a prank, didn't he? We already put it together that he's back and you boys know and didn't tell us."

Steve turned red, which looked all the more amusing against his pink hair. Oh yeah, Irish boy was a full-body blusher. Phil owed Natasha ten bucks. "Oops? Are—are you going to arrest us?"

"Hope not. SHIELD doesn't technically know yet. Phil and I just decided to investigate for ourselves." She stood up, "Come on, let's find the others, bubblegum head."

\----

"So he not only believed the story, but had more or less put it together already? And you think it's safe to return?"

"Minus a few details, yes. And I believe you will be safe."

"Thank you JARVIS." Loki settled back in his seat, butterflies going wild in his stomach despite the reassurance.

"Thanks, J." Tony started the car and glanced at his tense boyfriend. "Just in case, if any fights start, you have my permission to break them up. I don't want to have to deal with clean up."

"Yes sir." JARVIS confirmed.

"Not planning on starting any." Loki retorted half-heartedly.

\----

It was an awkward few minutes or so. Phil didn't quite know what to say, finding himself face to face with the man who had stabbed him, and Loki didn't seem to know what to say either. They looked at each other for a moment, and then Phil said "Hello."

Loki shifted awkwardly. "Hello Agent. I'm really glad to see you well."

Phil nodded stiffly. "I, uh, yes. I'm quite well."

"I'm glad. I'm—I'm really glad."

The corner of Phil's mouth twitched ever so slightly. "You said that already."

"And—I'm sorry that I couldn't fight what they did to me better."

"We can't blame victims for the things that happen to them."

"It's hard."

"Yeah, it is. But you're going to be merely an annoyance now?"

Loki raised an eyebrow in tentative amusement. "That is my intention."

"Then I will see what I can do to get your threat level downgraded. There are better uses of our resources."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that wraps this one up. There WILL be more stories in this 'verse, so stay tuned for sequels, but it was time to wrap up this particular story line. While you're waiting for me to have time to start work on that, hop on over to my current WIP, Soldiers Coming Home.
> 
> Yes, fossils on the flat (and fossils over fences) are actual classes I've seen listed at horse shows. The barn that ran the show series had a sense of humor. Also yes, punk meant something different in the 40s...it was approximately equivalent to twink in today's language. Really changes the meaning of Bucky calling Steve a punk, doesn't it? =D


End file.
